vendredi, septembre 23, 2016

The ghost and the building

"I am the ghost.  I am the structure.
From the soil, I am built.  By hands borne of silt.
I have no voice, the people speak for me.
I am the ghost, and I scare people away.
Every morning, the workers dread their stay."

I have no ounce of creativity left.  LOL  I need a vacation, or a supportive relationship to bring me back to life.

mercredi, mars 30, 2016

Starry nights of screams, peace signs, and selfies

Hello blog my old friend, I've come to talk with you again.  :)

Thankfully, I'm kept busy by work, work trips, and new friends.  Been doing well with trying to balance my schedule, a few ups and downs that are minor, but more or less smooth-sailing.  Since the start of the year, I've decided to be more active in pursuing possible relationships.  Still having a hard time with those tricky apps and how to get through the creamy filling with only a few bites, my need to dig deep and sort out the good guys from the bad apples. 

And maybe that's the issue now that's keeping me awake ... perhaps I don't need to keep digging.  If I can just let go of my physical anxieties then maybe it would be easier for me to dig-in without the guilt.  Like yesterday, I came to realize one of my easy triggers -- losing friends, especially the ones I've been emotionally invested in.  We've only met recently but we've hung out a lot and even went to acupuncture treatment together (LOL!).  From the get-go it was clear to me that we were to be transient friends, you know, the ones that you meet and click with instantly but you know you're only there at that moment in time because you both shared an experience or you both had issues that each was able to address.  Kinda like having officemates that come and go when you leave your job and move on.

So I would say we've become quite close, my friend needed someone to talk to at night about his family, work, and personal life, as was I.  We've had a few fights towards the end until finally, after a 40-day abstinence, I found out my friend would be leaving. 

The truth is I was annoyed.  I reexamined my feelings and realized how I hate losing people who mean something to me, and to lose them feeling like they abandoned me.  (Let's not get into abandonment issues anymore because we've covered that in the numerous posts already. LOL!) 

And so I need to keep going (consequently my new motto for everything that sucks in my life) and continue looking for new friends.  I need to keep going with my workouts, my dieting.  I need to keep focusing on work and not use company resources to write blog posts on epiphanies. 

Till then, I would stare at the starry sky at night, with all that noisy construction going on below.  They toil all day and night, they inspire me to keep going. They show me piece by piece, how a flat piece of land could be carved like a huge crater, filled up with wires and cement... and in a few months ... BOOM! ...  a luxury condominium. 

I have to look straight ahead and watch the signs, take more selfies for those apps, just keep going and play the game. 

samedi, août 15, 2015


So this week is the first time I had to travel with my colleagues to two separate locations, one in the south and the next up north, and although it is fun, it is also draining.  At my age, I am trying my best to catch up on missed opportunities and things I was too afraid to do.  I don't know if it's just me but I always feel there isn't enough time in a day to do everything that needs to be done.  Admittedly I am inefficient with many areas of my life and I have come to accept this as one of my limitations.  I find that a big chunk of my time goes to hanging out in chatrooms, trying to fill the empty spaces during quiet moments and sleeping late despite having work the next day.  It is what it is ... I am at an age where I would like be in a relationship again and to be reminded of how nice it is to have someone fuss over me and make me feel special, to give me that feeling of excitement when I wake up in the morning and find text messages that make me smile.  

It is very difficult to keep a good work-life balance.  For instance this week, I could not find the time to run.  I was only able to put in two discrete sessions of dumbbell lifting as my exercise regimen.  And in the two separate trips I was able to meet two individuals that made my trip more memorable.  I plan to do this more often because I need to learn to be less afraid to meet people and to open myself to other possibilities while I wait for that special someone.  After all I am still single and I have no obligations to anyone, except maybe to my boss.  

I know it is frowned upon when one mixes pleasure with business, but under the circumstances I just don't have the time when I'm not traveling.  I plan to make the most out of life before time runs out and I am left with regrets...

lundi, avril 20, 2015

The Hug

(Photo by genius photographer Ren Hang)

This is a story based on real-life events.

From a distance I was suprised to see a familiar face so without hesitation I approached.

Me:  So, where are you going?  *smiles*
Them:  Bus number 2.  You?  *smiles*
Me:  (points to the number beside Them.)
Them:  (we reach out to hug)
Me:  (whispers inaudibly)  I'm sorry.
Them:  We should talk.

They  leave.  I go back to my pack and expect nothing out of it.  The rest of the trip was trippy.

My part here is done and I am at peace.  *smiles*

jeudi, avril 02, 2015


(image from Bjork's new album Vulnicura)

From along the slopes of the northern mountain range, the earth goat reawakens.  From it's slumber of tepid, sometimes painful dreaming, it accepts the piercing of early morning sunlight.  Of working on the dewy grass and the smell of burning soils, the cautious nature of crossing the dirt road with biking passers-by, there is no time to waste.  With all seriousness, it's joyous trip-trap wakes up the other animals, it tries to reunite with those who have aged well, and those who are no longer living.  Beside the cemetery of dreamers, the goat sheds off its coat, its earthen scent.  It sheds off everything about itself, except what is inside -- the need to run, the fondness for vegetation, the need to find a mate.  It struggles to find the eloquence it once had, in the baahs and the meehs, in the taps and kicks.  It confronts the day with a warm smile, or a prayer that the doubts go away .. but if its nature is to run, how can it be stopped?  The goat heart is very patient, but it becomes agitated at prospects even if these seem to be false.  It continues to hope, continues to run, continues to stay near the road to the mountains because it doesn't want to be lost again ...

jeudi, mars 12, 2015


Yes we are enjoying this chat session again, but pretty we'll have to meet in person eventually and then I'll be disappointed again.  I'm not choosy but I have something to put on the plate too.  And then a host of other insecurities will surface that will overshadow these nuances.  I will feel helpless and forlorn and claim that the gods don't hear me. 

I've begun to think there are no gods.  Everything is random.  Life and death are random and who cares if people judge your life as being productive or not ... they will all die eventually.  Not even history will outlast the apocalypse.  So in this brief moment on Earth, we can rant all we want and create havoc, but we can also makes ourselves feel better ad more purposeful by keeping quiet and creating order.

Yes this is a story about a person who's getting tired of the dating scene, who's getting impatient with his insecurities, who wants to hide his face and let go.  I vowed this year I won't complain anymore and so these are all just statements that have no inherent value. 

If you surprise me in a positive way, then maybe I shed happy tears.  If we see each other and I'm not surprised at all, then I can safely whisper to myself ... "Told you so."

mardi, février 17, 2015

Curds and Whey

While I was in the turd parlor last night doing my business, it suddenly dawned on me that throughout the drama of my life I had somehow lost the humor in my writing.  When I think about the stuff I used to post on my former blog and my past few entries here, the writing is so vapid and often self-absorbed.  Well it is MY blog anyway, and I do as I damn well please.  But yeah, since right now I'm on an updraft of positive movement in my life, I may as well capitalize on adding a bit more humor into this Prothiaden Adventure.

So, after meeting up with this rice scientist in the south, a sorry excuse for a valentine's date I know, I have firmly resolved to not eat rice anymore, up until I got caught in major traffic down the expressway and munched on cassava chips that I refused to accept as my dinner.  It seems that everyone's swearing off on rice these days and if even a rice scientist isn't eating rice anymore ... then shouldn't there be a reformulation of the prescribed daily diet?  Like instead of spending on rice research, why not put more emphasis on the study of other grains like wheat or quinoa?  It has the potential to eliminate the need to smuggle rice and monopolize the rice industry.  Or maybe focus on corn?  It makes me wonder how many varieties of corn we used to have in this country and now there's only 2 -- the Japanese sweet corn and the native white corn.  Or why not a study on local production of whey protein since it seems to be the fad these days?

On a high note, having a regular schedule as given me a bit of structure.  I enjoy waking up early and feeling purposive, compared to waking up early and not knowing what the fuck I should be doing, hence the feeling that I'm not a morning person, and coming home and looking forward to a quick 30-40 minute run and grease-free dinners.  On a low note, I have to accept that in order to immediately break the cycle of mediocre fucks I have no choice but to join the gym-bunny bandwagon and build muscle.  It seems having a good personality and pleasing look isn't enough these days.  It has become the norm to have muscles that are visible in daylight, fair skin without the aid of editing software, zero body fat, and very masculine manner of speaking and moving.   I suppose women go through the same process when they feel shamed for not having supermodel bodies.  What about the men?  Well, they just have to be rich so that even if they're obese, smelly assholes with bad breath, there are still women who would flock to them, especially if they're white.  But this post isn't about race or gender, rice or mediocrity.  It is about whey-ing the options and knowing that there are certain things in life where as much as I'm determined to rebel against those things, I have no choice but to submit because I know it is to my best interest.