More Vodka Please ...

"Oh, mercy mercy me
Oh, things ain't what they used to be
What about this overcrowded land?
How much more abuse from man can you stand?
My sweet Lord (repeat 4x)"

-- Mercy Mercy Me by Marvin Gaye


It's one of those days where I just have to sit down and wait. I have my interview tomorrow and a pending essay application to do so I've been spending time thinking how I'll prepare myself and my priorities. Boredom is such sweet sorrow.

I'm in Malik's internet shop right now taking a rest from the first leg of my walkathon drama. I was just outside the shop drinking beer and some vodka and staring at the blaring court lights illuminating the tennis courts and tennis players when I noticed how there were these insects in their utmost frenzy flying around the lights. From afar in the dark starless background, they appeared like a dazzling display of fireworks that never seem to run out of nitrates. Are they attracted to the light or the heat of those high-powered halogen bulbs? If I can equate that to human beings, do we as people, find dreams the ultimate motivation? Or is it merely sharing the "heat" we find in the environment? Are humans like insects that settle for cramped spaces where they can find light and heat when sunlight leaves everything bereft and is substituted with all else artificial?

When one is compelled to settle for the next best thing, does one inevitably embody being burdened by mercy? And is this mercy or mercifulness necessarily bordering on being pathetic? I can't help but wonder ...

My "ex" girl friend jokingly offered a mercy fcuk on the condition that we don't scrimp on vodka. I replied saying I wasn't after a mercy fcuk but mercy hand holding in the park, mercy affection while watching a great movie in the cinema or at home, mercy poems, gifts, birthday celebrations, monthsaries, sweet nothings, mercy payment for escort services ... Hahaha

I always thought we were already given mercy when the gods sent their son to die on the cross 2 millennia ago. More vodka please! I won't go pondering on this one ...

Hung up to dry

"What part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
What part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
What with this distance it seems so obvious?"

-- Hands Clean by Alanis Morissette


If there's one thing I'm really good at, it's reading people. I can be very precise with my findings, from hang-ups to habits. With all the people I've encountered in my life, I have been assiduously building up my emotional intelligence even with simple encounters. I can be the greatest therapeutic communicator you can find (after all, I composed a whole thesis out of it.) I may not be a fantastic advice-giver, but I know exactly what people go through. The only challenge would be openness on their part. If people refuse to tell the truth, if people refuse to be helped, I don't bother. I have more important things to do, just merely being accommodating. I used to think it a sign of weakness to appear like a dirtbag, but I realized I'm not the one with the problems to start with. I have close friends from as far as my childhood in Baguio. I still remember the names and faces of my 3rd grade classmates even if I only spent 8 months with them in school before I left for Manila. My best buddies come from elementary, highschool and college. I have great friends from work and I foresee a lot more coming up with my potentially new job. I don't keep acquaintances, I have real friends.

Then again, all people have hang-ups and illogical habits. I'm not excluding myself from that array, after all I am human too. So now another challenge is brought up for me to take on and like this blog, I'm grabbing balls and ovaries.

In relationships, there must be some kind of psychological compatibility test exclusively made for hang-ups. That would make things a lot easier methinks. I'll invent it and have it published in Cosmo or YM. Maybe I can use a prototype with someone I met in person a couple of days ago. Hahahaha

Anyway, I've tried recounting what's been happening in my life, being thankful and trying to learn from the experiences. I've learned that I am not apathetic. There're things that still affect me, however, I refuse to be brought down by them. People still live, people can die, but the instinct for survival rouses up constantly in every person. They can deal with their whining, I'm dealing with mine in my own terms.

I apologize for the tone on this entry. It's reminiscent of my old blog.

Young & Restless

WOMAN: What do you see as your main strengths?
SPUD: I love people. All people. Even people that no one else loves, I think they're OK, you know. Like Beggars.

-- excerpt taken from Trainspotting



I wasn't able to sleep well last night, feeling all restless again. I finally slumbered somewhere in the midst of prayer.

And truly a greater being out there still listens to me and believes I deserve to be happy for a change. It was only when I reached my interview that I realized how canceling the previous appointment was meant to happen. Indeed, with my mindset last week, I would not have dealt with the 5-person panel as effectively as I had this afternoon. The panel was composed of young associates who seemed very smart and kinda snobby. My kinda crowd! Hehehe

I already bought new shirts for the next interview maybe sometime this week. My uncle bought stuff to bring home to Virginia and my youngest sister came along with us. My youngest sister and I have this little aggressive-sadistic game we have going on. We'd kick each other and tease and verbally abuse each other, everything quite personal. She's 12. Who cares about psychological complexes anyway?

Back home, my relatives flocked the table enjoying a hearty meal. Epicurus would've been proud. I didn't care to join. I've grown a bit of a distaste for buffets lately. I'm no longer fond of eating that much.

Gus called me up and we talked for a few minutes before he put the phone down to call his friend. It would be too presumptuous of me to say anything about what I felt he needed/wanted or was looking for. I guess a little venting out of frustration to a stranger helps catharsis sometimes. Apropos: You can trust me. Listening is what I do best, writing the resonance of what I remember hearing.

Luke and I talked afterwards. I told him to stick to the job he has currently. Asmod3an and I talked after that. I told him to inform me if he's resigning or what. At 11pm, I wanted so much to go walking around the neighborhood like I always do, but I feared ending up a lifeless corpse.

Saying YES

"I say the tragedy is how you're gonna spend the rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends because it all amounts to nothing in the end.
..... I won't worry my life away."

-- The Remedy by Jason Mraz

I used to be a YES person surrounded by NO people. After a year or two, my own personal YESness turned to MAYBE, and then to a resounding NO. I still am surrounded by NO people and I still make decisions thus resounding, however now, I refuse to be trapped in a box prepared by their benevolence. I'm finally coming into my own senses and doing stuff I've never done in a while ... trying to be responsible for my own actions, trying to be accountable for all the consequences of what I do.

Like Neruda mentioned in his poem, fear is also a strength. I believe it is if we are able to channel out the negativistic perception of fear into something constructive. My fear had strangled me before to the point of anhedonia, I figure if I was able to convince myself that I was nothing, certainly I can do the exact opposite and start believing once more that I am someone to reckon with.

So today, with the help of my great and positive friend Risso, I said YES to the company, to the same person, who gave me an opportunity to prove myself. Maybe she'd be the Indian woman to reacquaint me with good karma in the coming days.

Saying YES, I find, is more difficult because it usually requires action. Saying no, on the other hand, usually requires a solid back-up plan.

Life happens when you're not planning.

NO People

For the most part, now that I am on a sobriety adventure, I've been trying to ward off encountering negative energy. I used to think that negative energy thrives passively in a stagnant environment, such as an old house, an old school, old friends. I've tried spending less of my waking time, or more accurately, unsynchronizing my waking time with other peoples' waking time. It occurred to me how negative energy need not be a perceived as a stale black hole waiting to be encountered. Subatomic particles are constantly in motion even in the most rigid solid object. Vibrations determine the differing states of matter, in a scientific point of view. As such, negative energy can thrive even in positive climates, neutral territories or points of transition. It waits for any sign of weakness then attacks at every opportunity. I think people are given the instinct to determine these energies, however, not all know what to do when confronted by forces greater than themselves. Considering human beings as media for these energies, as hosts to these parasites, they can either harbor these energies or channel them out into other things, as if following the universal law of conservation of energy.

Where is this gibberish getting at? Hahahahaha

I just wanted to point out that besides the presence of negative environments, we must be more aware of negative people because by virtue of human life and will, people are more dynamic sources of energy. They can speak, they can move (or not move), they can disappear from our lives all of a sudden. We, on the other hand, can choose to avoid them or deal with them squarely. After all, we are people too.

Sometimes, negative energy can come in the guise of benevolence. We think that people are being good, that people have the best intentions for us. We want to believe as outsiders, they'd know what we lack. Our instinct to determine the differing energies may sometimes be overrided by our desires, our thoughts, our ennui. Then again, sometimes, positive energy can come in the guise of malevolence. When we'd think that people are being overly critical, that people want us to suffer unneccessary pain. We'd be forced to believe what we do, what we have, is not enough. It's not really a question of perception but more of discernment.

Maybe we just have to wise up.

Birthday Blues

It was my Grandmother's birthday party yesterday, though she actually turns 97 on the 28th. This isn't about her being sad. In fact, she seemed very happy with all the people who love her surrounding her in the very small and dingy 80-person capacity dining area in Saisaki West Ave. This is about my blues on her birthday.

The party was ok. The food was the same -- angus and ebi. The crowd was the same.

We were spending the night at this 2-star hotel along Mabini because the clan house was jam-packed. My father, from whom I inherited my anti-family politix, wanted to go meet his friend, the owner of Calle 5. He kept in animated discussion with his Fukienese friends amidst the live band performing songs very popular to the 2-star crowd. There was one point where the crowds were slow dancing to "Tell Him" by Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion. W' the fcuk ....

Thank god Gus (my new friend who likes elephants) was awake to text some sense with me. Everyone else I know's asleep on a Saturday night. At 1:30am, my Dad tells me we're leaving after he finishes the free bottle of Viva Mineral Water. We left at 3am. Indeed, the water bottle was very empty by that time.

I was running dry myself. I walked like I was running away from him.

I didn't sleep on the extra bed they ordered for me. I sat on the grand piano chair in the minuscule lobby , thinking what a beautiful drama movie scene that would've made; thinking how I felt apathetic about it all.

I rode the cab home. I felt they needed the extra leg room as I needed mine.

Secretary

Probably one of the most remarkably unique films to come out this year was SECRETARY, written by Erin Cressida Wilson and directed by Steven Shainberg, starring the precociously talented Maggie Gyllenhaal alongside veteran actor James Spader. It's a low budget film at its best. Not a dull moment; once you start the movie, you'll never leave your seat even if you have to go pee. It's showing in cinemas right now ... go watch it!

Here's the come-on line online: Secretary is a powerful and very unique love story, its bold, unflinching humour and strange yet seductive eroticism help explore the notion that love doesn't always occur the way we might expect.

For more information, visit their official website at http://www.secretarythemovie.co.uk/html/home.html

I suggest you download their little "Spank Me" game Ü

Crawling toward Mr. E. Edward Grey's office

Fun Inspector

"No water - no mess - bathe your pet anywhere"

-- subject of a yahoo spam ad


Last night was marked again by the periodic germanic invasions, and quite literally, I had nowhere to rest my head. Under regular circumstances, I would've folded and lost my general benevolence in creases of angst. But I'm different now. After texting 2 friends, I suddenly realized how silly it all is and how I refuse to fall prey over such territorial peeves. After all, there are other ways to "bathe your pet anywhere," so to speak. I got away from doing a last minute powerpoint presentation and I got to watch 2 episodes of Six season 1.

No water, no mess.

Walking Wounded

"Out amongst the walking wounded,
every face on every bus Is you and me and him and her
and nothing can replace the us I knew"

-- Everything But The Girl



I just came home from an hour's walk from the mall. Sometimes it's difficult getting out of the house to do something extremely routine. But all it takes is that little push out the door and things get going somehow.

At a steady pace, your body will start to sweat after around 15 minutes. At 20, it will go into the "fat-burning stage" as how my Fundamentals of Physical Fitness professor told us in freshman year.

By around 30-40 minutes, your feet will start to tire, you'll probably feel some blisters forming on your soles; you'll start gasping for more air and would probably want to stop and drink something in a bottle.

But I found out that if you keep going after 40 minutes, your body will enter into "2nd wind" mode. It'll keep going step after step. You'll feel like a robot sometimes, or maybe on opposite, more envigorated as if you just started walking.

Before I know it, I'd be on our home street, walking toward the white gates.


And maybe this is my metaphor for life. It takes me a tremendous amount of willpower to keep going at a steady rate, to follow through, but I'll eventually get to my destination when I try not to mind being wounded and just wipe away the burning sweat from my eyes, seeing the goal get closer and closer somehow.

Stars*

Maybe I spoke too soon about wanting to have a regular office job over being a Star*maker. I think I spoke too soon when I was still alive.

Just today, I spent the afternoon at Star*bucks sorting out my to-do list, at the same time rewriting the screenplay to include the sequence treatment and some modifications. I swear it all came too easy. I didn't even have to try.

I've been down this fork before and I think I already know the answer ... just too impatient for my own good.

So there goes the dilemma ... 1) Should I go for the corporate kingdom-come career that promises financial security but a rather boring existence as a clerk? or 2) Should I risk it all in one deal of pitch-and-toss and try to become a Star*maker despite having no clue how to get there and virtually no star*-bucks to chauffer my exhorbitance with?


I know I'm asking for trouble by asking, but if you have any "bright" ideas, please illuminate me.

Road Kill

I had a dream last night
that I was to walk on a ramp show.

T'was hilarious really, and I wore the green shirt the way I wanted to wear it.
The designer, who looked like Lucy Liu only taller, liked what I did.

Up until the time came for me to walk,
I forgot what I was supposed to do on the runway.

Dumb model. It probably happens to the best of us.


I dunno know what all this means. Maybe I'm going a step ahead of myself.

Goals (2004 - )

After much debate on whether to create a new blog or keep the existing one I had, I decided to create a new one. This marks a new chapter in my life. Same writing style, hopefully different stories. Maybe I'll come across some angsty or depressing situations again, but I know somehow I'll get thru them eventually. After all, I have my Prothiaden.

This blog is my Prothiaden. My significant other. My one true north. The one that I go back to when nothing else seems to work. It has stayed with me thru thick and thin, tirelessly listening to my grievances and pseudo-benevolence, whilst teaching me the lessons of my mistakes and unexpressed animosity towards arrogant washed-up child prodigies.

This is all so nice, but at the end of the day, I need something that critiques me subjectively, something to keep me from going back to my fixations, something to boss me around and treat me like a teenage dirtbag 'coz I know I can handle the beating.

I need a blog with balls.