I haven't slept in a year ...

The Machinist

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“I guess I’ll have to slay the monster with my mouth ...”
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Last Friday, I watched The Machinist (featuring Christian Bale at 119 pounds) with a friend. Christian Bale was skinnier than a waif model. He put the starving people in Somalia to shame with his boniness.
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I’m sorta like that now. My upper body’s really skinny. My collarbones are visible. Even with a shirt on, I can see my acromion processes jutting out from my shoulders like a hanger. I can see my ribs even when I breathe in air. I don’t know if it’s a cause for worry. I mean, I’ve been maintaining the same weight, so it’s weird seeing my body change like this.
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I have become a machinist and I am operating myself.
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It’s funny how life imitates art. Just today, I went to the mall with my family. We had a nice buffet dinner. I ate a lot of course -- dinuguan, laing, sinigang, lotsa veggies, 2 pieces of boiled fish head, a couple of spring rolls, and 4 servings of mango sherbet. It was perfect because it was only after dinner that we roamed the mall. By the time we were done window shopping, I didn’t have that feeling of fullness anymore.
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Home, on our driveway, I picked my stuff up and went out of the car. I closed the door and unintentionally jammed my dad’s knuckles from where he held on to the doorframe to get out. It happened so fast and I opened the door as quickly as I could. He didn’t seem to hurt that bad though. He wasn’t screaming or anything. It probably would’ve hurt more if it had been his fingertips that got caught. Anyway, the whole scene reminded me of that part in the movie where the machinist’s co-worker lost a hand and 3 fingers when Christian Bale’s character accidentally pressed the activating button and was unable to shut the machine off. I was just stunned.
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I guess it’s never gonna be fixed, my relationship with my family. It’s not sad; it’s just something I have to live with I suppose.
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I wasn’t always like this. I dunno what happened; what I do know is that something happened along the way during college and I feel I’ve never fully recovered from that experience. I used to be angsty, now it’s all sadness. It’s like, my default disposition. Of course, it stinks to be sad all the time but I’m not like that in person. I’m not like my blog, always serious and basking in metaphors, always longing for that adventure without ever reaching the first step on the moon. I am fun to be with and I can get carried away sometimes. I don’t even know why I’m qualifying myself.
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Not so long ago I had a heart-to-heart talk with a college friend over Chinese food. We had observed how there are certain people who may never truly experience melancholy, who may never really know how it is to be depressed. Perhaps they’re lucky, perhaps they never had that mental incapacitance gene in their body to be more than just sad. I say good for them; we should all be so lucky.
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And perhaps the only reason I can propose right now to explain why I’m like this is that somewhere along the way, somewhere in college or after that, I’ve begun to become comfortable with melancholy. That even if everything’s going right and doing well, had I been given the chance to end it all without having to kill myself, I’d probably take that chance without regret.
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Excuse the boredom

For my namesake, other stuff i got from webpages ...

PS - yes transience, i'll get into the meat of things with your interview questions asap. these things are just so much easier to answer though. i couldn't fight the temptation of superficiality hehehe


1.Complete this phrase: "I couldbe...."* traveling. The world awaits …

2.WHAT IS THE WALLPAPER ON YOURCELLPHONE?* sony ericsson BLUB wallpaper. so generic …

3.DID YOU GET ENOUGH SLEEP LAST NIGHT?* sorta. I slept for 2 hours while listening to Valse d’ Amelie on my cd player, woke up at 7am then fell asleep again till 2pm. That’s about 8 hours total.

4.FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THISMORNING WHEN YOU WOKE UP?* why was the blue beetle stinging me in the face? Why was I running around the old house? Why was I running around the building? It wasn’t a good night’s rest that’s why I woke up at 7.

5.WHAT DO YOU HAVE HANDY AT YOURBEDSIDE?* a big glass of water, lip balm on cold nights and the lamp switch at arm’s reach

6. EVER TRIED TO SKIP BATHING FOR MORE THAN 3 DAYS?* once during an immersion program in the province. The water in the well had chunks of algae in it. How was it supposed to make me any cleaner?

7. GRILLED OR FRIED?* Steamed. It’s so bad it’s good.

8. WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE from OTHERS?* That I think the idea of uniqueness or the concept of individuality is a conspiracy perpetrated by the 1st World countries to mask the reality of a socialist society and the collectively conscious thought process of the masses. The Chinese exacerbate this with mass production.

9. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?* only when I can’t feel my legs

10. FAVORITE HANGOUT?* anywhere air-conditioned where smoking is allowed11. PEOPLE YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT?* noisy kids, gossiping bitches and bastards, and oh yes, stupid drivers

12. FIRST THING YOU WILL BUY IF GIVEN 1THOUSAND DOLLARS?* either I’d keep it in the bank or use it to pay for rent. I want to move out asap!
13. FAVORITE SONG WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPY?* if I want to fall asleep, I’d listen to Maurice Ravel’s Bolero or Erik Satie’s Gymnopedie.

14. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? ...* The evil that men do.

15. ARE YOU A GIVER OR TAKER? ...* I’m a caretaker.

16. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?* ennui, sparks, trainspotter, operator, …

17. WHAT IS YOUR DAD'S MIDDLE NAME?* Vanderbilt

18. MOST RECENT MOVIE THAT YOUWATCHED?* Fantastic 4 a couple of hours ago.

19. INVISIBLE FOR A DAY, WHAT WOULD YOUDO?* scare the shit out of people – pull their hair, throw water at them, kick their ass … the works!

20. STUCK ON A DESERT ISLAND & COULDHAVE ONLY ONE KIND OF FOOD FOR THEREST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULDIT BE?* Assuming that I’m gonna die in that island anyway knowing how I don’t have any survival skills, I’d have to say wendy’s triple patty hamburger with fries and rootbear, supersized. Indulge then die.

21. FAVORITE TV COMMERCIAL?* Pagoda cold wave lotion.

22. IF YOU'LL DIE TOMORROW, WHATWILL YOU DO?* Gather up what’s left of my savings, and spend it all on my family and friends.

23. FIRST THING YOU'LL SAVE IN A FIRE? ..* my poems.

24. BOOK YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING?* About Adam, this sci-fi evolution book I borrowed. Bored with it. I plan to start reading Atwood’s The Blind Assassin.

25. WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYSBRING?* my melancholy

26. WHAT DID YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOUWERE A KID?* a grown up

27. WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO WHEN THECLOCK TURNS 7 AM?* go back to sleep for another 30 minutes.

28. THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEET?* red polka dot stars and dark blue stars and stripes. Trés Americain.

29. WHO YOU WANT TO MEET?* My grandfather and his real parents

30. HOW'S LIFE TODAY?* the same as yesterday but with the looming thought of work tomorrow

Got this from a webpage

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Which literature classic are you?

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Virginia Woolf: Orlando.

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You are a challenge, for
outer events, the outside world, the time etc.
play no importance to you. Your focus is in
writing, in gender issues, and inside your own
head. Self-analysis and exploration of yourself
as well as the outer world hold great
importance to you.
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Which Hellenistic School of Philosophy Would You Belong To?

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You are a Stoic.

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Stoicism is a school of philosophy commonly
associated with such Greek philosophers as Zeno
of Citium, Cleanthes, or Chrysippus and with
such later Romans as Cicero, Seneca, Marcus
Aurelius, and Epictetus. Organized at Athens in
310 BC by Zeno of Citium and Chrysippus, the
Stoics provided a unified account of the world
that comprised formal logic, materialistic
physics, and naturalistic ethics. Later Roman
Stoics emphasized more exclusively the
development of recommendations for living in
harmony with a natural world over which one has
no direct control. Their group would meet upon
the porch of the market at Athens, the stoa
poecile. The name stoicism derives from the
Greek stoa, meaning porch.
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The Stoic philosophy developed from that of the
Cynics whose founder, Antisthenes, had been a
disciple of Socrates. The Stoics emphasized
ethics as the main field of knowledge, but they
also developed theories of logic and natural
science to support their ethical doctrines.
Holding a somewhat materialistic conception of
nature they followed Heraclitus in believing
the primary substance to be fire. They also
embraced his concept of Logos which they
identified with the energy, law, reason, and
providence found throughout nature.
They held Logos to be the animating or 'active
principle' of all reality. The Logos was
conceived as a rational divine power that
orders and directs the universe; it was
identified with God, nature, and fate. Human
reason and the human soul were both considered
part of the divine Logos, and therefore
immortal.
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The foundation of Stoic ethics is the principle,
proclaimed earlier by the Cynics, that good
lies in the state of the soul itself, in wisdom
and restraint. Stoic ethics stressed the rule
"Follow where Reason leads"; one must
therefore strive to be free of the
passionslove, hate, fear, pain, and pleasure.
Living according to nature or reason, they held, is
living in conformity with the divine order of
the universe. The four cardinal virtues of the
Stoic philosophy are wisdom, courage, justice,
and temperance, a classification derived from
the teachings of Plato.
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A distinctive feature of Stoicism is its
cosmopolitanism. All people are manifestations
of the one universal spirit and should,
according to the Stoics, live in brotherly love
and readily help one another. They held that
external differences such as rank and wealth
are of no importance in social relationships.
Thus, before the rise of Christianity, Stoics
recognized and advocated the brotherhood of
humanity and the natural equality of all human
beings. Stoicism became the most influential
school of the Greco-Roman world and produced a
number of remarkable writers and personalities.
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"And the woman the woman turns her tangerine lips from his one hand like the head of a dead swan draped down over his heavy neck the fingers strangely crimped tightly together"
-- exceprt from Laurence Ferlinghetti's Short Story On a Painting of Gustav Klimt

precipice

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today i sat beside the window gazing out through the rain-drenched main roads and people walking under their umbrellas. i sat beside the window like always, clipped to my headphones trying hard to fall asleep. i had been avoiding a phone call with no apparent reason, the waltz of the swans filling in on what was supposed to be a pleasant ringtone being answered.
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someone sat beside me the way i wanted someone to sit beside me, with the kind of closeness defying the anonymity encircling my personal space. i knew i was being observed so i arched my neck to the left like an ugly duckling coming to terms with its age. someone sat beside me close enough that i pretended to fall asleep.
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the ride had taken an hour, but it was enough. the distance i had traveled had only been a few inches from where i sat alone. from a watcher’s point of view, it would’ve seemed we were passing through together. perhaps we had in another life, had that lifetime become today, and today being the tomorrow i had thought about.
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the rain seeped through the windows and spilt water on my clothes. i did not mind. i had imagined my hands holding on to someone else’s but …
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today was a different day. i sat in my chair, my usual eloquence spilling through the assortment of messages. i did not realize I had been talking too much. i did not even bother reading through the reply. then I did. and for the first time, i fell silent not of my own will. i fell silent not because i became afraid. it’s funny how a few simple words could disarm me without my knowing. and here i thought i had improved my vocabulary so much already. here i thought i had picked up on the rules of literacy and paying for bus fares when i could’ve easily walked the steady pace.
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the glass was about to break but it felt comforting, knowing someone would help me pick up the pieces, the closeness defying the anonymity of my personal space. after a long time of wanting to be detached, i am reminded of how it is to miss someone again. to fall silent for all the right reasons. i had no headphones, no music filling in the background; just me sitting on a chair, gazing through an imaginary glass-guarded precipice of open words.
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for once perhaps, i’d let myself unfurl and not pretend to be dying.
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Double Dutch?

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Because of the company transition, I applied for another vacation leave this weekend after having one last week. My officemates told me it would be a good idea to use up the existing leave credits rather than foreit them when the new company takes over. So a whole month ago, I scheduled for 2 consecutive 3-day weekends I didn't know how I'd spend.

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Moving forward, I met a friend of a friend of mine for an afternoon of talk at TGIFriday's. After all, it was Friday and that place in Glorietta was usually barren in the afternoons, a perfect spot for conversation. I was an hour late, given the fact that I didn't anticipate the heavy traffic or mini-rallies that were to plague the city again that afternoon (or so did my reason go). It was unforgiveable so as a means of redeeming myself in front of my friend, I HAD to offer to treat him. So there, we ordered strawberry crepes and bottomless drinks. The crepe wrapper was grainy. It was still raw. We had it replaced with a serving of Cajun Chicken Fingers instead. TGIt's an american restaurant where the customer is always right. I would've ended up with a larger bill. Of course, we couldn't help but wonder if our chicken fingers came with spit or pubic hair ...

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He had to fetch his brother at around 6pm so I decided to go roam around Tower Records to listen to more Indie stuff. I don't think I mentioned I bought 2 cds the last time I was there -- The Engineers' self-titled debut and The High Llamas' Retrospective, Rarities & Instrumentals. I loved the former because their music reminded me of Air's Playground Love, and the latter, because they sounded like those 60's Bacharach bands. I had my eye on Kings of Convenience, said to be "the new Simon & Garfunkel" and this other group Beats for Beginners which gives a cute electronic twist to their alternative sound. I also wanted to get Slovo's cheaply produced cd by Vicor and Basment Jaxx's Singles collection. Anyway, while listening to the cds, I began to calculate how much money I had left and if I'd be able to squeeze in a cd or two. I realized I didn't have much left because TGIF charged me for both, the Cajun Chicken Fingers and the Strawberry Crepes! They refunded the amount to me (plus the tax of course!) and I was happy again. A Single's Treat.

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At 8pm, I met up with Nikita. It was a last minute thing, so we decided to check out what movies were on for the night. We wanted to watch Fantastic 4 showing at 8:40. Crossing through the Greenbelt fountain area, we found out they were premiering Battlestar Galactica. My self-professed geek friend was so excited to watch so we decided to take a seat and enjoy the free pasta and ice tea! Hahaha CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP!! There was a band that played a whole set of country-inspired rock tunes. Although it was fun, it was a waste of time for my friend. After that, they started giving out prizes. The first batch won Seattle's Best umbrellas. The next batch won Battlestar Galactica spillproof tumblers.

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It was a fine night. Free food, free drinks, free desserts, free movie, free posters, and FREE SPILLPROOF TUMBLERS!!! Hahahahaha CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP!!

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Oh well, I paid for the cab home because Nikita paid more than her share the last time. She told me it was like the perfect date. A Double's Treat..

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New Directions

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i'm sorry i haven't been so zealously updating my blog with things that have been happening (or not happening) in my life lately. i guess i've been spending my internet time preoccupied with something else more amusing. i still do flip through blogs and email every now and then, but i don't get to reply as often as i'd like. and i know how corny i had been the past few posts where all i put out were poems and brief encryptions of my so-called life.

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the truth is, i'm starting to enjoy my semi-detached existence. i'm less neurotic now than i was a few months ago. i still have my episodes especially during the weekends but i've been dealing with these the best i can and somehow it's working. i'm lessening on the smokes (and eating up more as a consequence...), controlling my spending, my unecessary obsessions on making connections, waiting, complaining, wallowing. i've recently talked with a friend and we've come to an observation that not all people have the innate capability to experience depression the way we have. people can be deeply sad but it doesn't mean they're depressed. there's a difference somewhere but we did not intend to find out what it was.

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the work week had gone by so fast. the rallies in the big city didn't affect me much to my surprise. and it feels great to be in the office on time for the past 3 months. coming from a person who's perpetually late, this has been very good news.

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these past few months had been a rekindling for me. i've been communicating with my best friend again, the one i fought with over my reckless walking at night, i've been seeing my other friends, Joeboy and Luke after months of not talking to each other. i've seen Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy with Nikita whom I also had a little argument with weeks ago. my Dad and I are in speaking terms again. I'm trying to spend more quality time with family and relatives lately, engaging in conversation where there had been none before. I still feel like a little kid, but I'm starting to grow up now and looking for more responsibilities and challenges. It's about time I guess.

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so for now, iI'm feeling a change in the water again, the water bearer getting closer to the oasis with each new step out of the comfortable territory.

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i admit that I have become pretty stale with my wordiness. as they say, brevity is the art of good communication. hence, i've decided that I shall continue the trend i've started, to make my posts concise yet more meaningful. as an addition, when i get to fix up this computer and get myself a bluetooth connectivity device, i'm gonna try posting more pictures here. that'll be a treat! Ü

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Vacation Leave

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I actually wrote a very lengthy description of how fun my weekend was when my Win98 SE gave me an explorer error dialog box. Oh well, I guess I wan't meant to go on and on about it. The gist:
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I met up with my college friends on Friday and we drove to Laguna to a rest house we rented at a discounted price. We spent the night eating junk food, drinking Novellino and caramel mudslide, smoking ciggies, singing to videoke songs, swimming in the cold pool water, lighting candles and katol to ward off the mosquitoes, and just having a lot of fun. We slept at around 4 in the morning, I didn't anticipate how humid our room was gonna be so I wasn't able to sleep well that night. At 9am, we prepared breakfast and then dove right in to the pool again. Had roasted chicken for lunch and dipped in the pool again. I didn't put any sunblock because I wanted to get burned. Now my back's a bit sore. It's ok though ... haven't swum in "public" for a long time. Ü
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We left the place at 6pm and ate dinner at a Jap resto in Alabang. I scolded them for opening up at the last minute when we had the whole night to talk. Oh well, I was just happy we had a blast.
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The next day, I went to meet up with my other college friends to watch indie digital films but it turns out there weren't any. We toured around the galleries and paintings on exhibit, ate dessert while waiting for our nurse friend. We transferred to Podium where I bought myself a coloring book, something to keep me awake at the office. (I've been nodding off more frequently these past few days)
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I got home around 1am already after treating my nurse friend to some Chinese chow at Hap Chan where we tried to catch up after all those months of not seeing each other. It comforts me that even when a lot has changed in our lives, we're still esentially the same. Ü
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The Answer

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For truth is always strange; stranger than fiction.
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-- Lord Byron
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Would it be the streak across the sky
the non-responsiveness from a herd
or the pale blue desert on a windy night?
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Where must a traveler seek his adventure?
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The truth unspoken or dismembered
and fed to the packs that lie and wait.
The grains of sand coalescing with the air
brushed off the surface like remnants of water;
they must be set with direction nonetheless
for even the continuing light can seep through its vision.
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Would it be the curves across the plains
the patches of green from here to there
or the snakes that coil and rattle out their wishes?
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If in case the calm becomes the storm,
it would still slow to a cease in the end would it?
The remnants of water gradually becoming fog,
the visibility encloaked in grains and herds,
the truth streaking across the sky or buried under the plains.
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And it will awaken the silence once the storm is over,
defaced yet understanding how revelation does not
necessarily come with the answer.
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The Weight

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And so it is just like you said it would be
life goes easy on me, most of the time.
And so it is shorter story
no love, no glory, no hero in her sky
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-- The Blower’s Daughter by Damien Rice
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Once again I am agitated. Once again I am back in this story of waiting, the weight of patience fast becoming a burden. The uncertainty, the vagueness, the “where will this all lead to?” question assuming itself on the borders.
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In a brief moment, I had let my guard down and opened up, my vulnerability breaking up into many volatile pieces – updated profiles, eloquent testimonials, black and white photos, the need for a connection ... and people who actually read them. What a difference a few hours makes, the absence of a response more cruel than the unsmiling gods. And I think how far I’ve come, how everything else in my life is slowly falling into place.
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…life goes easy on me, most of the time …
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I’ve always been patient with people, those that I like, even those that I don’t. There’s always the benefit of a doubt an encounter would lead to friendship and a friendship would lead to wisdom. My best friend keeps commending me for my emotional fortitude. How come I can’t give myself the same benefit? Wouldn’t that wisdom hold more weight for me than waiting?
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I need some distraction, a beautiful release
and memories seep from my veins.
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I’d find some peace tonight.
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-- Angel by Sarah McLachlan
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How much longer do I have to keep staving off the weight?

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