The Machinist
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“I guess I’ll have to slay the monster with my mouth ...”
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Last Friday, I watched The Machinist (featuring Christian Bale at 119 pounds) with a friend. Christian Bale was skinnier than a waif model. He put the starving people in Somalia to shame with his boniness.
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I’m sorta like that now. My upper body’s really skinny. My collarbones are visible. Even with a shirt on, I can see my acromion processes jutting out from my shoulders like a hanger. I can see my ribs even when I breathe in air. I don’t know if it’s a cause for worry. I mean, I’ve been maintaining the same weight, so it’s weird seeing my body change like this.
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I have become a machinist and I am operating myself.
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It’s funny how life imitates art. Just today, I went to the mall with my family. We had a nice buffet dinner. I ate a lot of course -- dinuguan, laing, sinigang, lotsa veggies, 2 pieces of boiled fish head, a couple of spring rolls, and 4 servings of mango sherbet. It was perfect because it was only after dinner that we roamed the mall. By the time we were done window shopping, I didn’t have that feeling of fullness anymore.
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Home, on our driveway, I picked my stuff up and went out of the car. I closed the door and unintentionally jammed my dad’s knuckles from where he held on to the doorframe to get out. It happened so fast and I opened the door as quickly as I could. He didn’t seem to hurt that bad though. He wasn’t screaming or anything. It probably would’ve hurt more if it had been his fingertips that got caught. Anyway, the whole scene reminded me of that part in the movie where the machinist’s co-worker lost a hand and 3 fingers when Christian Bale’s character accidentally pressed the activating button and was unable to shut the machine off. I was just stunned.
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I guess it’s never gonna be fixed, my relationship with my family. It’s not sad; it’s just something I have to live with I suppose.
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I wasn’t always like this. I dunno what happened; what I do know is that something happened along the way during college and I feel I’ve never fully recovered from that experience. I used to be angsty, now it’s all sadness. It’s like, my default disposition. Of course, it stinks to be sad all the time but I’m not like that in person. I’m not like my blog, always serious and basking in metaphors, always longing for that adventure without ever reaching the first step on the moon. I am fun to be with and I can get carried away sometimes. I don’t even know why I’m qualifying myself.
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Not so long ago I had a heart-to-heart talk with a college friend over Chinese food. We had observed how there are certain people who may never truly experience melancholy, who may never really know how it is to be depressed. Perhaps they’re lucky, perhaps they never had that mental incapacitance gene in their body to be more than just sad. I say good for them; we should all be so lucky.
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And perhaps the only reason I can propose right now to explain why I’m like this is that somewhere along the way, somewhere in college or after that, I’ve begun to become comfortable with melancholy. That even if everything’s going right and doing well, had I been given the chance to end it all without having to kill myself, I’d probably take that chance without regret.
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ennui wrote the 1st faint line @ 7/31/2005 01:36:00 AM
7 Truths:
it never hurts to feel too much sometimes, ennui. in some light, you are very lucky to have such grasp of your emotions.
(what bothers me is how i sometimes don't feel anything at all. i remember telling you back in college that apathy is the way to go. i've mastered it too much.)
i don't think people who don't feel melancholy are lucky. if one does not get into that quagmire once in a while, then one's happiness (or contentment) can never be deep enough to tide one through life.
on the machinist: i like the way it physicalized guilt.
These days, I'm more angsty than sad that it's not even funny anymore...as for your last line? The feeling that it evokes has come up often enough lately that it is actually scaring me already...
i've got melancholy down pat. but you have a different, more beautiful sort.
mussolini - well, u better share with me what ur trade secret is.
slim whale - i hope you're right. you have to be right, otherwise i wouldn't see the point of being morose everyday.
on the machinist: i thought it was gonna be sorta like a Matrix movie. I never saw the trailer eh
NINjato - yeah, the last line creeps me out as well. haven't heard from u in a while. hope you're not getting as angsty as me or Dewleeh. hehe
transience - i run out of words with u.
Life has a tendency to complicate things for us.
I agree wih Mussolini, it is a good thing that you have such a complete grasp of your emotions.
I walled up mine a long time ago, and I keep them like that for 99% of my day. And I mean all of them.
Only in few occasions I actually allow a trickle of my emotions to show.
And yes, for me, it is a lot more comfortable this way.
blex - perhaps it is WE who like to complicate things, while life is or was easy.
i think this whole having a complete grasp of my emotions is a set-up for me for my life's mission. i don't know, bcz frankly, i don't see the point why the gods would even allow me to dwell on it so much for such a long time. it's not like i can market my sadness like a vial of perfume and earn myself stockholders and marketshares from expressing my melancholy. if this is so, your trickle of emotion must cost more than liquefied platinum. Ü
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