Outgrown

(Photo taken from flickr.com/photos/aldoaldoz)

There are some things that come to us naturally and without much effort like our God-given talents, or a good cleaning lady. These things we are taught to consider as blessings and we are taught to pray all the time to have more blessings. As a Catholic person, the perpetual guilt feelings that complement pleasure cannot be avoided. So the trick is to make the guild feeling pleasurable.

I've always believed that certain things cannot be forced -- like quitting smoking or genuinely giving advice to someone who doesn't wanna hear it. But something to think about on those darned ambivalence-riddled days -- which is easier for you, to get it going or to get it stopping? Perhaps it's a case to case basis. For me though it's mostly the result of outgrowing something. I get it started when I get something else to stop.

I've been smoking since I started in sophomore year of college, and since then I've always thought I would not be able to quit. I've heard people say they can quit if they want to, but up to now they're still smoking. It is very difficult to quit because 1) the addiction is chemically-induced, and 2) it is a social activity associated to having a good time as well as having to deal with a bad one. After 12 years of smoking, I just gradually smoked less and less, and discovered one night that I didn't really need to smoke anymore. And for a year I came clean. To celebrate my success, I smoked a few cigarettes in Hong Kong last August on a trip with my former officemates. After that weekend not one stick and no cravings. My smoking stopped, but appetite went full speed ahead. So my plan now is to lessen eating and start exercising again. I don't wanna force because I feel I'm getting there.

So, I'm thinking perhaps, just maybe, that I've somehow outgrown my need to tolerate my father's moody episodes. I mean, it happens all the time he's here and I probably just got tired of it. Last night I quietly slid off my dining chair and waited for them to finish arguing about their schedules while I fixed my clothes, then returned quietly back to the table when things simmered down. He keeps saying the same thing, so I'll keep doing what I need to do to stay sane.

Outgrowing habits in the digital age, like engaging hours on a social networking site where everyone's got their profiles on private mode even when they are listed as your friends, becomes pointless why they even consider you a friend in the first place. I keep my list to a minimum and sometimes weed out those I no longer wish to keep in touch with. I only keep my membership on the site because 1) it keeps me entertained during work hours, and 2) it's fun to post comments gratuitously.

For a fleeting moment I grew short a few centimeters and saw my world differently. Perhaps like a cell phone, you could always choose upgrade to a better model while keeping your sim card intact. It's funny sometimes when the things you hold on to the most suddenly become irrelevant.