Catch 26

Warning:  A bit of a rant.  Enter at your own risk.


I have realized lately that unless the negative emotions are coming from my innermost thoughts, it is not my obligation to channel them through my body, that I have to exercise a certain amount of control to BLOCK them out and not even entertain them in order to not feel so beat up at the end of the day.  I don't have to be connected to friends and to people all the time to find out how they're doing, especially if they have not put out the same effort hear from me regardless if they are busy or not.  If you value someone you will find the time to send a smile because you know it has the potential to brighten their day even for just a split second.  On the other end of the spectrum, I found people who went out of their way to deceive me, to pretend to be somebody else, just to lead me on and to get my attention.  I pity them and their fake Instagram/Twitter account.  

I have been reading Norman Vincent Peale's The Power of Positive Thinking and it has given me tremendous hope in the power of prayer.  I have been going to mass almost everyday praying for things not material or tangible, but for abstract concepts as strength, courage, enlightenment, faith, peace of mind, etc.  I don't know if it's working because sometimes I wonder if I'm being heard, that maybe it's not that I don't have enough faith but that some people are not born with a religious luck.  I refuse to be atheist, but I also refuse to believe that this is all there to my life, that those things about me that give me the most insecurity I really can't change.  Then again, I haven't finished reading the book, and I still have a handful on my reading list - rereading M. Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled, The Rules of Life by Richard Templar, Showing Up for Life by Bill Gates Sr., and Bossypants by Tina Fey (LOL!)

After a few months of inactivity and constant chatting with strangers, I've gotten back to 2 counts of mediocrity.  I figure, fuck it I'm just gonna try to enjoy myself even if it's not what I'm looking for.  I'm gonna take a break from the research on nutrition and supplements and accupuncture and just fucking enjoy myself.  I miss that time when I was wide-eyed and excited about meeting new people, not worrying about performance and the labels and the roles.

I miss not worrying about settling down, about my future, about finances, about diseases.

Sometimes I wonder why I might never experience how it's like to experience being proposed to or proposing to someone, how it is to get married, to be excited about a simple ceremony and a honeymoon.  How it is to have children who look like me, who I can mold to be better than who I am.  How it is to be accepted in society with the simplest pleasures like holding hands or sitting on a bench watching the sunset with our heads resting on each other's shoulders.  A tight hug or a light kiss on the cheeks without judgment.  

I know the world doesn't owe me anything but I wonder why I feel I owe so much to it?