Hello Blog
So this morning at 3AM just a few minutes after I tucked myself in bed, I cried.
It must've been the exhaustion creeping in, or maybe it was the birthday blues creeping in after I kept it suppressed during my birthday. I felt I had to show a smiling face, I felt the need to reply and appear happy. I felt I compelled to thank all those who remembered my birthday, even if it was because of a facebook reminder, and to reply because after all they took time out of their day to send me a greeting. I felt it was the courteous thing to do. And on a super blue blood moon, I was prepared to just leave the office after work, go home and watch a movie on my computer or something routine like that. However, a good friend invited me to go to a rooftop to celebrate my 39th birthday there. I had to fight all of my inner demons, all of those voices in my head telling me it would be an inconvenience to my schedule, I had to fight all of those to say YES.
But yesterday, after a long day at work, after running a few laps and doing a few sets of weights, after watching the news, and eating a small post-workout meal, after washing my sweaty clothes, and taking bath and downloading a movie I thought would be interesting to watch another day, I just wept. It felt good. It felt good to imagine what it would be like to disappear, it felt good to indulge in self-pity. It felt numbing to feel so helpless and to not want to disturb anyone. To feel guilt and ungrateful to the attention I've been given the past few days. To feel panic in the long year ahead and nothing to look forward to. To imagine the year go by with this deep, excruciating emptiness that I can't seem to get rid of. To not worry about waking up on time for work since it doesn't seem to matter at all.
And so I just let it pass for now, the way I do whenever these waves of anxiety splash their hurtful waves upon my weaknesses. In my exhaustion, I know I'll eventually fall asleep and wake up again to another day. Late again for work, avoiding staff meeting again like a leper. I will to be sick but it doesn't work. I have no choice but to carry on and work, I have no choice but to continue with the social responsibilities in the workplace, with friends and with family. There is no point trying to escape this prison. I am not sick, I do not need medication. I do not need anyone else to talk to. I just need to be alone in my urn.
It must've been the exhaustion creeping in, or maybe it was the birthday blues creeping in after I kept it suppressed during my birthday. I felt I had to show a smiling face, I felt the need to reply and appear happy. I felt I compelled to thank all those who remembered my birthday, even if it was because of a facebook reminder, and to reply because after all they took time out of their day to send me a greeting. I felt it was the courteous thing to do. And on a super blue blood moon, I was prepared to just leave the office after work, go home and watch a movie on my computer or something routine like that. However, a good friend invited me to go to a rooftop to celebrate my 39th birthday there. I had to fight all of my inner demons, all of those voices in my head telling me it would be an inconvenience to my schedule, I had to fight all of those to say YES.
But yesterday, after a long day at work, after running a few laps and doing a few sets of weights, after watching the news, and eating a small post-workout meal, after washing my sweaty clothes, and taking bath and downloading a movie I thought would be interesting to watch another day, I just wept. It felt good. It felt good to imagine what it would be like to disappear, it felt good to indulge in self-pity. It felt numbing to feel so helpless and to not want to disturb anyone. To feel guilt and ungrateful to the attention I've been given the past few days. To feel panic in the long year ahead and nothing to look forward to. To imagine the year go by with this deep, excruciating emptiness that I can't seem to get rid of. To not worry about waking up on time for work since it doesn't seem to matter at all.
And so I just let it pass for now, the way I do whenever these waves of anxiety splash their hurtful waves upon my weaknesses. In my exhaustion, I know I'll eventually fall asleep and wake up again to another day. Late again for work, avoiding staff meeting again like a leper. I will to be sick but it doesn't work. I have no choice but to carry on and work, I have no choice but to continue with the social responsibilities in the workplace, with friends and with family. There is no point trying to escape this prison. I am not sick, I do not need medication. I do not need anyone else to talk to. I just need to be alone in my urn.
ennui wrote the 1st faint line @ 2/02/2018 05:01:00 PM
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