Damn Hole!!!

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There's a hole in my heart that keeps leaking forsaken thoughts. There's a hole in my being that wants to discover its cure. There's an insatiable frustration I have that stems from my work, my life, and my regrettable choices. It pains me that you have to use expletives to prove your point. Fucking fun?? Where did that come from? There must be more ways to stroke an ego without me having to apologize everytime I chaffe its vascular shaft. There must be an easier way to die of aneurysm without having to pass through the white light at the end of the tunnel. It gives birth to more misunderstanding. Damn hole. We all came out from it, only I, am less appreciative of maternity than is socially acceptable behavior manifested by a catholic boy. O pious callousness! O devine metaphoric! Can I be spared of this fumbling drama?
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Alas, moments ago I resolved never to ask questions I already know the answers to. It's so girly of me; to resolve when I hate following resolutions. The iamb need not speak, lest it queaffes toward menstruation. O, the blood of my leaking heart, my forsaken thoughts, clotting to a scab, healing to revelation.
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double happiness

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i'm held back. by fear. if i end this all now, i end the waiting. and yet, if i end this all now, i know new pain will begin. i can't keep waiting. for you. for the time i would leave you. i can't keep up convincing myself that i am content with what we have. because when i think about it, i only have your reassurance. what else? i have your text messages. i have your pictures saved on my phone, even have them backed-up in my computer. i have memories. i have your faithfulness. still, i am plagued by the distance, by our inability to completely connect even after 9 months of trying really hard. perhaps i've lost my mood for love, and what we've become is a sequel to a feel-good movie that will never be shown. i am losing you, losing my fondness to be fond of you. however, even when my mind wanders off to the possibilities of others, i will never deceive you that way. because you have my faithfulness. the same way you have my hand-written letters, my pictures saved on your phone, my tears pushed far back into memory. you still have my heart. and that's why you will never hear of these words and you will never read of this. i will hold back. by fear. because although i am weak, i will need my strength. but i will never be the first to go the distance.
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