double happiness

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i'm held back. by fear. if i end this all now, i end the waiting. and yet, if i end this all now, i know new pain will begin. i can't keep waiting. for you. for the time i would leave you. i can't keep up convincing myself that i am content with what we have. because when i think about it, i only have your reassurance. what else? i have your text messages. i have your pictures saved on my phone, even have them backed-up in my computer. i have memories. i have your faithfulness. still, i am plagued by the distance, by our inability to completely connect even after 9 months of trying really hard. perhaps i've lost my mood for love, and what we've become is a sequel to a feel-good movie that will never be shown. i am losing you, losing my fondness to be fond of you. however, even when my mind wanders off to the possibilities of others, i will never deceive you that way. because you have my faithfulness. the same way you have my hand-written letters, my pictures saved on your phone, my tears pushed far back into memory. you still have my heart. and that's why you will never hear of these words and you will never read of this. i will hold back. by fear. because although i am weak, i will need my strength. but i will never be the first to go the distance.
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