Memories

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Settling for. I remember not so long ago a close friend of mine disclosed that he thought I was settling for a relationship with anyone, specifically, the one I'm with right now. He said that I complained too much about what the differences I had with my crumpet and that if I'm so unhappy I should move on. I remember also, just the other week, how a close colleague told me that maybe I'm just afraid of being single again and going through my very first break up. I remember also during my conversation with Ninjato that I can't get myself into a relationship looking for another me; a clone of my neurotic self who knows exactly what goes on in my mind and reacts in the same way as I do and would react accordingly to all my needs the moment the mood permits. They may all be correct. Maybe I am settling for any decent partner that comes my way. But I don't think I'm settling. I know the treasure I found and I intend to keep it.
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Settling with. Perhaps it's love. Perhaps it's the high of being in a prolonged emotional experience with another person. Perhaps it's the years of neurosis caused by a perceived parental deficiency. Even if I can be needy and extremely self-conscious sometimes, it doesn't mean I would lose my head over it. I know how much I love my crumpet and I know, a few months ago, that I fell in love. I still am but it is less urgent, less obsessive now. I know there's a difference between love and falling in love, the latter being more fleeting.

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Settling out. Once in a full moon (or more accurately once every week) my lack of sleep, lack of attention, lack of mental stimulation, and a periodic lack of sex make my hormones and proteins act up, which predictably gets me in a whiny mode. And it doesn't help that the future of our relationship rests on the triteness and timeliness of text messages. This I have to settle out. Then again, we've become so acquainted with the constant miscommunication that it's become weird if we don't have one every now and then.
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Settling on. A bigger phone bill. More vacation leaves. Eating on the same side. Holding hands in the movies. Stealing kisses when no one's looking. Writing emails. Texting emoticons. Holding back the longing. There's only room for a mature commitment.
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Settling down. Not in the near future. Not when every week thoughts of breaking up run amock when I'm breaking down. Not when I feel joy and pain in the same yet opposing intensity. Not when I'd settle for memories when I can still create more of them.
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