Outgrown

(Photo taken from flickr.com/photos/aldoaldoz)

There are some things that come to us naturally and without much effort like our God-given talents, or a good cleaning lady. These things we are taught to consider as blessings and we are taught to pray all the time to have more blessings. As a Catholic person, the perpetual guilt feelings that complement pleasure cannot be avoided. So the trick is to make the guild feeling pleasurable.

I've always believed that certain things cannot be forced -- like quitting smoking or genuinely giving advice to someone who doesn't wanna hear it. But something to think about on those darned ambivalence-riddled days -- which is easier for you, to get it going or to get it stopping? Perhaps it's a case to case basis. For me though it's mostly the result of outgrowing something. I get it started when I get something else to stop.

I've been smoking since I started in sophomore year of college, and since then I've always thought I would not be able to quit. I've heard people say they can quit if they want to, but up to now they're still smoking. It is very difficult to quit because 1) the addiction is chemically-induced, and 2) it is a social activity associated to having a good time as well as having to deal with a bad one. After 12 years of smoking, I just gradually smoked less and less, and discovered one night that I didn't really need to smoke anymore. And for a year I came clean. To celebrate my success, I smoked a few cigarettes in Hong Kong last August on a trip with my former officemates. After that weekend not one stick and no cravings. My smoking stopped, but appetite went full speed ahead. So my plan now is to lessen eating and start exercising again. I don't wanna force because I feel I'm getting there.

So, I'm thinking perhaps, just maybe, that I've somehow outgrown my need to tolerate my father's moody episodes. I mean, it happens all the time he's here and I probably just got tired of it. Last night I quietly slid off my dining chair and waited for them to finish arguing about their schedules while I fixed my clothes, then returned quietly back to the table when things simmered down. He keeps saying the same thing, so I'll keep doing what I need to do to stay sane.

Outgrowing habits in the digital age, like engaging hours on a social networking site where everyone's got their profiles on private mode even when they are listed as your friends, becomes pointless why they even consider you a friend in the first place. I keep my list to a minimum and sometimes weed out those I no longer wish to keep in touch with. I only keep my membership on the site because 1) it keeps me entertained during work hours, and 2) it's fun to post comments gratuitously.

For a fleeting moment I grew short a few centimeters and saw my world differently. Perhaps like a cell phone, you could always choose upgrade to a better model while keeping your sim card intact. It's funny sometimes when the things you hold on to the most suddenly become irrelevant.

left hanging

(photo borrowed from f0blow.blogspot.com)










already i was caught in between deep breaths trying to keep away the thoughts, of 5 years coming to a close. i just said i was tired, not in my predictable, angry sort of way. his eyes pierced through me, not of guilt, but of concern -- will he make it on his own? my friend was right, he was clueless of what was happening. i asked him then how i always ask him why he was so silent. "i am hurting." his eyes did not well up like mine, like a pestle to peeled onions, a request for a second chance. after all, there wasn't anyone yet. if there was one legacy of my father's i believe to have inherited, it would be of fidelity. covered lies or truth would not matter but my own version of reality. i tucked my soiled clothes into a plastic bag, a habit i have so grown accustomed to doing almost every weekend. the sun pierced through the jalousies and he asked me why, why on a beautiful Sunday morning. i had no words, excepts reverberating echoes of repressed longing and a thoughts set on affirming growing in different directions. i did not foresee the vines. there were many memories in that garden, memorabilia far too precious and all too fleeting. i zipped up my knapsack and started to tie my shoelaces, ready to go, ready to call on friends for an emergency meeting. my hands were shaking and i couldn't find anyone i would want to disturb on a beautiful Sunday morning. i leaned closer to kiss him goodbye. and then i broke down.

Christ complex and the worried well

It used to be so predictable, my attraction to problematic people and their infinite sadness. i thought it was empathy, my gray area decision making that made me feel drawn to the ambivalent tendencies, but i was led to believe it was a Christ complex, a way to feel better by surrounding myself with those who seemed worse off. i realized i had a lengthening abyss mining its way through my soul, an endless search for the diamond in the rough. i was not wise enough to know when to stop digging.

somewhere along the way, i felt confident enough to rebel, to walk the opposite way. i thought it was a good thing taking risks, but i was led to believe i wanted an escape. and i believed. i worried well enough to resign myself to staying rooted to the ground and clipping my wings with workload that got me nowhere. i was given a chance to fly, with artificial wings and at the apex of my ascent, i just wanted to jump off. it was a disappearing act that lost its magic.

a friend had said, after a tragedy we are at our best. i stood up, took off my fake wings (at a price), and walked my way to new places. i thought i was growing, but i was led to believe it was merely a compromise. a dormancy to contentment. i found happiness. i found love and it was unconditional.

but my insides keep on mining, digging a deeper hole for which to jump into. could it be diamonds or shards of glass? could it be a way to the other side?

if the voice inside could not be silenced, should it be heard?

pride

where have you gone? i miss you more than i care to admit. i can die now in your embrace and everything would be all right.