So-Called Chaos

"My tendency to want to do away feels natural
My urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable

My tendency to want to hide away feels easier and
The tendency is picturing another place comforting to go."

-- Out is Through by Alanis Morissette



Indeed, life is a series of ups and downs, a series of stables and rattles, of silences and noises. Sometimes you may find order in it, most of the time, it's all just random disorder. The beauty of it is in its being unpredictable, but that sort of unpredictability is also a source of anxiety and displeasure for a number. The only way to control it is to control ourselves first, to render ourselves in strength over everything that comes our way and not be afraid of the challenges and consequences. When you find a comfortable nook somewhere in your existential musings, enjoy that momentary bliss because you never know when the rug will be swept from under you. Just be prepared to stand up if you fall, dust yourself off and start walking again. It will happen again, but this time, you won't be so easily shaken.

For instance, my room at home is made of old wood. The walls had been taken out and replaced more than 3 times already. It was a nuisance of course, especially when the dust settles on the bed, the floors, and everything else the fingers can't pry open. Just today, when I was all set to leave for work, I suddenly found out they took the walls out the side of my closet. All the stuff I've been keeping from plainview had been exposed. It felt like my gut was spliced open and all my innards were coming out, this all happening while my Mom who was sitting outside on the sofa watched intently. She never mentioned they'd do this. I felt violated. I felt disrespected. In that instant, the relaxed mood I had all morning became inundated with the determination to move out as fast as my fingers can type the words "unsex me here!" Of course, I'm in much better spirits now that I'm typing away in an internet shop. My prothiaden's keeping me sane.

And for all those people who texted and called me up with comforting words, you make me believe there's always a way out, that even if it's not the best way to go, you're there to "resex" me back into existential virginity.