Jesus to a Child

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I fall again on the third attempt
The third always hardest to recover from
My knees bleed out of failure
out of the ability to resist holding the weight
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It seems forever carrying the cross alone
walking through, the dirt drying up on my sole
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Mary cries the tears I shed as a child on her feet
she, preoccupied with the shroud of her grief
the cloth stained by the blood and sweat of abandonment.
She'd hang this on the walls, proud of the pain and sorrow
of the child she bore, already buried and dead
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I have a father who hath forsaken me, a carpenter of promises
He walks the skies with his clouded feet and furtive responsibilities
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Till my death, I hang on the cross like clothes left out to dry
I am the insignia of leviticus unexplored, not yet a king, not yet the son
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The sins of mankind get laid before me open like a resounding verse
evangelizing the sufferings of mankind to the last two thousand years
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Will it be forever that the savior keep feigning his forgiveness?
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Inductee's Step Forward

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I've just concluded half a day's worth of apartment hunting with my officemate-slash-guru. It was sooo exhausting! It's a good thing the weather was very cooperative today and it had been slightly overcast the whole afternoon with just a dash of rain. We still sweat it out though and I'd consider this aerobic activity to be my cardio for the whole week; v'been sluggish lately.
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The apartments that we saw in the Makati vicinity were decent, though some were a bit over our price range. Ideally, we were both looking for a 2-bedroom, 2-bathroom place because I'm gonna be living with a self-confessed neat freak, where I consider myself "decent," we'd prefer separate rooms and bathrooms for us to keep our designated areas the way we want them without getting on each other's dirt. I've been hearing a lot of stories about Guru's current roommate whom, in the heat of argument, he called a spoiled obese pig who likes living in filth. No joke, he really said that.
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Hmmm ... makes me think how careful I should be with my master's living habits. Not that I'm a slob, it's just that sometimes, the chaotic state of my room is the result of poor time management and lack of prioritization. I don't exactly ENJOY living in the midst of mess, but if I find that by the next morning I can still walk the floor without stepping on anything else except my slippers, then I'd fine and can survive the remains of the day. However, since I'll be living with a stranger-slash-master, I'll be sure to be more mindful of the force, the force of habit that is. I do believe I'm ready for drastic change and although moving out may seem to be a huge step toward my inevitable acceptance of adulthood, the prospect of private space just beckons me to completely abandon my marsupiality. Of course I'm terrified. TERRIFIED. I simply try to reassure myself that I'm doing the right moves and not rushing myself; to reassure myself that I know what I'm getting into and how to get out of it, to know I'm ready to lose it, go with the flow, the rhythm, the bliss of buoyancy. The day I finally move out (possibly only a few weeks more and counting) is the day I say goodbye to shopping on impulse, unlimited surfing with a phone line, 4 out of 7 day night outs, fully-prepared meals and washed dishes, unshared taxi rides and foregoing the monthly bonus just because of an absence; the induction to adulthood as we know it.
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Like I said earlier, we were both exhausted. He had been more exhausted than I was, having done this hustling every Saturday for 3 months now and beset with a looming deadline to move out completely by Oct. 15. Lately though, we've been seeing nicer places within reach of our budget, a very good thing bcz we wouldn't be digging deep into our savings. It means we're already searching the right places and are probably a few steps closer to hitting oil.
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Hopefully it's oil we hit and not the sewer. That would be shitty indeed.
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How do I fare?

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I've been very quiet the past few weeks and only wrote stuff when I felt like it. Sorry for the poems. I know they're very cryptic because they're kinda private. And like I've said, I'm trying to make everything I write more concise, dealing only with those things I deem significant to write about. So here's an update of what I have been doing the past few weeks:

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1. I've been set on a new road to self-discovery. Everything's fresh and there's still a lot to learn but I'm up for the challenge. There are major setbacks for me right now, but I thank god I've a marvelous friend who's more than happy to help me out and teach me stuff about life and relationships that would probably take me years to learn. Overall, it's been a fun ride and I've been meeting up with new people trying to establish friendships, gain new insights and experiences, and taking steps toward a new adventure. Unfortunately, I'm not too comfortable writing them down here because they might involve people who'll be reading this blog in the future. I'm not censoring myself or anything like that, it's just that I don't getting the heat about my blog when people start reading about themselves. For the most part, this blog has to be about me and not anybody else. Perhaps there would be a few exceptions to the rule, but overall, as much as possible, I'd like to hog the entries with my conciseness.

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2. Work was terrible last month. I had 1 absence (due to unforseen circumstances that happened on a Thursday night) and 1 instance of tardiness. I was also cautioned about not taking my break schedule on time. As a result, I lost all hope of a bonus for August (oh what a loss that is!). Not just that, my quality scores have suffered a lot because everyone's been very strict in preparation for the company transition. Bullox. September's a new month and I will throw my self at the feet of punctuality for sake of professionalism.

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PS - The temporary OIC likes me. The other supervisors tell me I'm her favorite so I appear to be under her scrutiny all the time. Oh well, if it gets me promoted and get that higher salary that'll keep me afloat with my own place, I'd gladly take that opportunity despite company politix. At this point, I'd prefer to be buoyant than to have that sinking feeling of hopelessness (and old age).

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3. Been looking for my own place. I decided to join my officemate with his apartment hunting around the Makati area. So far with our minuscule budget, the search has been a bit futile. There were places that were decent and close enough to our office, unfortunately, those great finds were easily lost. Just last Friday, my officemate was talking to this man leasing a 2-floor apartment somewhere past JP Rizal for P5,500, the very next day when he was supposed to go inspect it, the guy says it's already been taken by a couple, complete with 11 post-dated checks and appropriate deposits. Sheeet. Two-bedroom apartment for P5,500!!! That was a steal!!! We're not giving up hope though. This coming Saturday we're looking at a 2-bedroom condo unit near Kalayaan Ave. Hope it ends our search for a place. I need to start trying to be more independent.

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4. This same friend is part Filipino, part Chinese, part Hispanic, part Indian and he's practically lived around the world. He was born in Iran, grew up in Greece, Texas, Baguio City, and Kenya, and his parents are retired engineers in Mallora in Spain. He's more Hindu than anything and it was totally refreshing to be conversing with someone who knows so much about the world and who has such a different view about religion compared to the Catholicism that (rarely) practice now. Absolutely enlightening. He's taught me about the adaptability of guilt, the different types of people he's come across with, how he can travel the world without spending so much, Indian food, relationships, love, betrayal, sex, and yes, a bit of tantra. He's informally taken me in as his tantric apprentice (hahaha) and we've just begun our lessons, but already, it's beginning to change my perceptions about a lot of things. I have yet to put them to practice though ... ;)

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PS - People in the office have begun noticing how we always sit together in the office. They haven't even heard how we plan to move into the same apartment! How hysterical that would be when rumors start spreading about us being an item! HAHAHAHA O god the hilarity ...

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So there, a semi-detailed update about my life so far. Oh yeah, I also bought new pants yesterday.

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"I've lost my mojo!!!" (photo inset features Austin Powers and Ivana Humpalot)

Bunch of Lunch

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It's probably like eating in Shakey's Pizza place. The smell of baking pies greases up the ol' appetite for a family size Manager's Choice, the green bell peppers cooked perfectly to compliment the brown sausage bits resting on a bed of tomato paste and mozzarella cheese. You sit down on one of those dark red leather seats for couples and you patiently wait for the waiter to take your order. The Friday didn't mark a payday weekend so you're off to getting one of those meals for the budget-conscious. Bunch of Lunch. It's always safe when you don't know what else to order.

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So there you are, with your date, your plate a disarray of fast food. The anaemic spaghetti convoluted like your decision-making, the slice of triangular bread with ham and a sprinkle of cheese -- this they call a single pizza slice. Still single, like you. Shreads of stale lettuce, corn bits like yellow droppings, a slice of tomato that looks like a broken wheel -- a thousand excuses to bail out like generic dressing made of catsup and mayonnaise. An overfried chicken drumstick that's probably remains of the day before.

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But hey ... where're the MOJOS??? I can't find my mojo!!!

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Perhaps my date has them hidden, somewhere under the table from where we've been playing footsie in the dark.

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