The Stars Are Blind

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"Dear World: I am leaving because I am bored. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool."

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-- George Sanders, suicide victim

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Amidst the stars twinkling on my wallpaper, I've decided to update my blogger profile. Not like it's been a habit of mine to update it every now and then; I guess I feel it's time for another change. The main highlight is that I've been drawn to rediscovering pop culture. I mean, whatever happened to that precocious pre-teen who used to listen to Debbie Gibson or sing "Hold On" by Wilson Philips; the kid who bought his first cassette tape: Francis Magalona's Mga Kababayan (My Fellow Countrymen); who obsessed on making mix tapes from deejay-murdered dance hits on the radio, staying up all night during the weekends hoping to record a complete static-free radio quality copy of Kalapana's The Hurt, Tropical Dance Mix version or Funkstar de Luxe's How Gee Triple Extended Mix.

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Yes, those were the days of humiliation. The early 90's. I was never fully conscious of anything in the 80's so I can't really say I felt mortified having been born then. Besides, the 80's was a blur, from playing G.I. Joe and Barbie dolls, to riding the bike, to almost completing the first-ever version of Super Mario Brothers, to watching Small Wonder in the afternoon. It all went by so fast. And like the stupid haircuts then, never left anything for me to miss. I never considered my early predilection for New Wave hits an embarrassment. Tears for Fears used to "rock my world" and it still does. But the 90's?? Geez ... Trapper Keepers, Reebok Pumps, Windbreakers, Bulldog shoes, war games, marvel cards, Versace's rock n' roll fashion, Beverly Hills 90210 ... *cringes*

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All those memories would not serve me well anymore, except perhaps for purposes of humor on days when I feel like I'm older than everyone else in the office. Harhar. I've come to a healthy and informed decision to get back in touch with the world -- listening to pop music, watching local movies, reading the dailies and magazines off the counter, conversing with people ... Cliché but applicable to me right now, I'm 27 going 13. My sister and I practically have the same interests now. Toys. ; )

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(Okay, enough of this foolishness)

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I open the radio and realize Paris Hilton can't sing a damn note. Indeed, the stars are blind, but I figure it can't get any worse; and maybe what George Sanders failed to see is that the world seems boring only because we close our eyes to the things we think aren't interesting.

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Before and After

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Okay so I went through a bit of an image overhaul the past year and my life has changed for the better. The theory that changing the way you look changes the way you feel about yourself does hold some bearing. But of course, it doesn't solve everything, and deep down I know that although I've underwent from XL to M, there are still some things about me that have remained the same size. I can't really go into detail right now because a lot of it is what others observe of me and hence with this new adventure, I'm limited to what other people perceive and my awareness or denial of its existence in my life.
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Just recently, my crumpet asked me why I'm so pessimistic. I don't really know. I used to be this bubbly (pun intended) guy who always looked at the bright side of everything, who knew he could take on any challenge and rise to the occasion. I don't know where that guy went. Perhaps the loss of wishy-washy idealism left him only soap suds of hopes and dreams, in his mind, a before and after snapshot that only causes him to get more depressed the more time passes him by.
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I'm not depressed, but I do feel some sort of urgency, a need to hurry up and leave the excess baggage behind. After all, travel should be lighter losing all that weight, the foreign immigration would agree. But somehow, I'm still holding on to my past, fearing the new future that has opened up. I'm 27 nearing 30 and still working rank and file, earning enough to get me through rent and the bills. No credit card, no checking account or time deposit or insurance or pension plans.
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But I do have my life, my freedom, my options, my health (for now), and someone who loves me for who I am (or who I've become) ... most of the things I've aimed at achieving the past year. I have taken on the challenges and came through. Maybe I am optimistic, just need to believe it again ...
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