Papa was a rollin' stone

I am a very late bloomer I admit, and most of my closest friends know this.  I'm not dim-witted but somehow certain things only make sense to me only when I stop wrestling with them in my head and just let things happen as they unfold.  It is frustrating because we live in a Westernized world where everyone is expected to be pro-active and to grab the bull by the horns and not waste time and not dwell on the past and just keep moving forward.  Sometimes even direction becomes immaterial, just as long as you show people that you are doing something and keeping yourself busy.  Although I would very much want to feel part of this energetic, dominant force, it just does not agree with me.  For the longest time I struggle to think that the problem is me and my inability to adapt to the fast-paced environment of the industrial revolution, the information age, and even online dating.  I find myself lost at sea in a flotsam of people who like to play mindgames, and use politicking to their advantage.  I am often in conflict with my need to know the truth, to base my judgments on logic and moral conscience, where everything appears to be enshrouded in deceit.  The truth I know is that I am getting tired of these games and the older I get, the less patience I have with the need to figure people out.  What used to be an endless source of fascination for me has inevitably become a tedious, wasteful exercise.

And so before the year ends, I resolve to let go of the need for me to analyze my parents and how they've unintentionally screwed with my mind.  In fact, in a fit of rage, I walked out on my father dearest during dinner, because I refuse to be berated in front of people.  There is less and less pain, moreso since I kinda saw how he was already agitated before we even started to eat.  In fact he should thank me for helping him blow his fuse as he seemed more calm and deliberate afterwards.  Before the year ends I resolve to let go of the need to know if there is a God and if he really hears me.  I know He exists because I see it in other people.  But with me, I don't know, maybe I have a different messiah assigned to me and I don't know how to call on Him.  Nonetheless, I still keep praying and thanking.  I still keep doing what I feel is right.  I still keep knocking on heaven's door, even if there's no discernible answer that I recognize.  Before the year ends, I would need a makeover because this outfit I have on is no longer working for me.  

Before I end this last entry for the year 2014, I want to say thank you to my family who's been patient with me; to my friends who never quit caring for me even when when I sometimes quit caring for myself, and to fate that has given me enough blessings to enjoy this year as it has given me some unique personal challenges to keep life interesting.  May year 2015 bring more blessings, more challenges, and more friends!  Merry christmas and a happy new year!  :)