Being Honest

"and I have sense to recognize
but I don't know how to let you go"

-- Do What You Have To Do by Sarah McLachlan


I honestly didn't want to go to work today. Not on a Friday, not when I had to deal with the ambiguities of a job description I openly embraced. However, I also felt that this was what I had been asking for. To be out of my comfort zone. To learn new things aside from those lessons I already know and am good at. I was careful enough to wish for it and now that it's here, I'm sorta copping out on the offer. I've found I'm not fond of Heroin, regardless of the situation or the mood. I hate to admit it but Joeboy was correct with his observation -- I'm just one of those people who complain too much.

I've given this a lot of thought. I was troubled exactly because I denied it when I knew it was true.

But this person is different now. He's no longer Mark Renton. He's no longer the type who fears people of mediocrity or the little pieces of reality in an overprotected life. He has been like this for 3 months now and there is no stopping him. Two years of depression had given him sufficient knowledge about himself (not to mention the sudden impetus for change), more than any psychology course can give. More than any astrological advice can foretell. I can keep telling this to myself until I'm totally convinced. I am THAT good. hahahaha

I've given this a lot of thought. It was like solving a math riddle.

Word problem: Given line A and line B, what is the measure of line C when all three lines form a triangle?

Solution: When a person is given line A -- good education, security, a comfortable home, loving support, and all the basic needs -- and line B -- passion, creativity, an adventurous spirit, career and financial possibilities, and all the basic wants, line C appears to never connect with the point of origin. It never will. It has to complete the triangle by attaching itself to both ends of lines A and B. It becomes pointless for line C to dwell on its past.

The measure of success has to take into account the satisfaction of basic needs and the achievement of wants, hopes and dreams. There has to be a connection between the two. Associations. Networks. Only thus can line C be measured with something like the Pythagorean Theorem, when you have your needs and wants in multitudes, the expectations for success or actualization multiply too, but it doesn't mean you will never get there.

Vilify me for having tried to compare Maslow to an exact science. Isn't it those people who feel they're not actualized, those who regret, the ones trying to go back to a point of origin? It will never happen.

As for me, I'll be talkin' to m' boss on Monday to try to strike a compromise. Hopefully I'll be able to get rid of the ambiguity by being honest.