pitch and toss
“Satan, being thus confined to a vagabond, wandering, unsettled condition, is without any certain abode; for though he has, in consequence of his angelic nature, a kind of empire in the liquid waste or air, yet this is certainly part of his punishment, that he is … without any fixed place or space allowed him to rest the sole of his foot upon.”
-- Daniel Defoe, The History of the Devil
This isn’t working for me right now. All the explorations I’ve been doing for myself, constructive or diametric, keep bringing me back to the same squareness that is my life. I don’t want to live like this, running away from trouble and waiting to be prepared before going back. (There is not enough preparation one can do for oneself.) I’ve been immersed in different situations that I thought would sober me up, make me more stable, yet I still find myself drowning in the abysmal trenches of the darkness. The pain has become excruciatingly palpable and I’ve run out of ideas on how to appease the need to forget. I’ve tried wearing myself out with music – all kinds. I’ve tried basking in the artificial light of the night, but to no avail. I need an empowering sense of purpose. I need to kill myself yet again though I worry how many lives I have left to live. These are not disposable and there is no reset button for me or for the kids who grew up in my generation. Constancy eludes me and like a radioactive isotope, my moods have become extremely volatile with its own lingering half-life.
It’s closely becoming pointless. All of it.
So, for the next few days I’m shutting myself out from my computer, from my music, from movies and fair weather, from everything synthetic. I’ll shy away from the internet to deal with this squareness squarely in the face. I’m changing again into something amorphous at the moment. It’s terrifying really. I don’t know how it’ll go, but if it helps me forget, if it helps me become more adaptable, then it should be for the good. I don’t even know where to set foot but it’s just something I have to do.
It’s 10:30am. The foray towards another aufklarung begins …
ennui wrote the 1st faint line @ 12/13/2004 10:39:00 AM
4 Truths:
uh-oh. here we go again...
someday, i hope what you're looking for finds you.
In my last year as an undergaduate, I had been close to having breakdowns from the pressures of being spread thin. I was given this behavioral exercise (I now forget its name): For two weeks I was to have no radio, no television, no newspapers and if possible no telephone conversations. It was supposed to help me focus, concentrate and prioritize. That's what it did. You're doing the exact same thing now, and I wish you luck!
How to deal with the bull? You have to grab it by the horns.
There is time for everything, may this time to yourself may be as rewarding as it can be, make a learning experience out of it.
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