This is not me

" Lately I find myself out gazing at stars

Hearing guitars like someone in love

Sometimes the things I do astound me."

-- Like Someone in Love by Bjork

It's 2 in the afternoon and I haven't slept yet. Maybe it was the cafe latte I drank last night with Ninjato. Maybe it's the instant coffee I drank before I watched cable. Perhaps it's the brewed one I drank for breakfast. And maybe it's the 2 other cups I downed a few minutes ago. I can't seem to fall asleep.

This is me: Insomniac by choice.

I already procured a copy of Bjork's latest album MEDULLA. Mesmerizing. It's all acapella with the background vocals and the beats but done in such a talented way that you know it's Bjork singing and not just a group of gospel singers or gregorian monks. There's still the feel of it's being European, Scandinavian even, very original despite the fact that it's been done before. On the shallow side, I love her tiny bones necklace.

My favorite tracks are Pleasure is all mine, Where is the line, Oceania, and Triumph of a Heart.

Of course, I may be exaggerating it a bit. I know for a fact that people will have a difficult time digesting this "oblongata" of a compilation, the way I used to feel when I'd listen to her avant-garde-ness in her previous albums. She can get very queer indeed, but through the years I've grown to enjoy her music. It's simply refreshing. I envy her for having all this creative freedom at her disposal. I wish I had a similar trash bin for myself.

Where is the real me? Where is my own medulla?

While eating lunch (tofu and fried chicken), I listened to Sarah McLachlan's Fumbling Towards Ecstasy album and Astrud Gilberto's greatest hits. Instantly, I was brought back to that time when I first started to write poetry. I was reminded of the innocent romanticism between a girl and a boy, between two very different people in reason and in actions, of two human beings seemingly meant to have crossed paths and change each other's lives forever. By the 5th song, I remembered how it was to be in love, to be passionate about something special, to have someone to share all the experiences with. It was inspiringly beautiful and it pains me that I long for this idea of love being cosmically complementary. It's elusive and frustrating, and it never fails to humble me.

This is not me: Tortured soul by consequence.

"If this should be

I say

If this should be

You of my heart

Send me a little word

That I may go

Unto her

And take her hands

Saying

Accept all happiness from me."

e.e. cummings