Becuase sometimes I just want to go away

I think even he felt my emptiness.

Again I feel lost at sea.  This blueness that surrounds my life seems to have no destination in sight.  I don't know how to help myself and I am getting tired.  I pray, I go to church to find guidance;  just when I think I find it, it disappears again.  The people I'm close to are slowly drifting away.  Maybe it's my fault, maybe it's just life.  I am afraid to speak what I truly feel knowing it might become real, but I think it already is real and I am in denial.  I don't wanna die sad like this. Or sometime I finally get my shit together and THEN I die. I don't want my life to be a stupid irony like that.  So help me God. 

I am not an atheist.

Note to self:  You have to understand you grew up without a father figure, someone who shall have guided you the proper work ethics, the strategies in dealing with people and business, the tricks of the trade.  You grew up surrounded by women -- your benevolent grandmother, your domineering aunts, your passive-aggressive mother, your overshadowing sisters, your faithful helpers.  No wonder you found it difficult communicating with men.  No wonder you almost always find it easier to make friends with women.  Unfortunately, that's not your preference.  Unfortunately, they never taught you in school the rules of dating, the basic etiquette for the kind of lifestyle you live.  Unfortunately, they told you what you are is a sin.

So cheer up!  You are not in school anymore!  Now all you need to do is reconcile with your absentee father whom you love, and find a way to separate yourself from your domineering matriarchal upbringing.  You can do it because you are normal!  There is nothing wrong with you!  Seize the day!  You only live once!  It's never too late!  Never say never! ☺☻

Feelin' 22

"All roads lead to Rome."

All right so you helped break the dry spell.  After all, it was the Romans who invented the aqueducts, and after a series of extremely humid summer days, my curiosity you had quenched more than once.  Of course the first one I will never forget because finally, all that screaming was not just in my head, when Nero had the whole city burn down in flames.  The city had become a ghost town where ghosts slept in.

You were quite agitated, and I would understand why.  I used to be in your place, I used to be used like that.  I fear I still can be sometimes especially when I'm not careful and the irrigated water dries up during the extended window periods.

I still remember when we walked to the piazza, you sauntered as if you were dancing.  You had that distinct gait of a volleyball player, a setter not a spiker.  I'm sorry I couldn't give you much of myself anymore, not in the near future or thereafter.  Not with that foul mouth of yours.  Its waft certainly brings down the sail of any would-be expedition.

I will try to break it to you gently.  You need to know and do something about it before the senate stabs you in the back.