Meal for Squares

"Til it's over and then
It's nice and quiet
But soon again
Starts another big riot..."

-- It's Oh So Quiet by Bjork



I am emotionless. I have been without emotion. It is unique from being indifferent or apathetic because it would've been a conscious effort on my part to be this way. But it hasn't. This is the reason why I haven't been able to write anything down for the past few days. I have a lot of things to write about but nothing seems to compel me to express anything as eloquently. Nothing, until tonight when I'm fed a new morsel for my adventure.

This I discovered during a last minute meeting with my blogger friends over coffee. For the most part I had been aloof. During the meal, during the stroll, during the story telling and the sharing of seats. This aloofness, this lack of clarity, was the main reason why I wanted to go out tonight. I wanted to seek the reason behind the temporary anhedonia that's plaguing me again. So, while she was trying her best to reach out and help me reconnect, my mind had been wandering all around in limbo. I was there while ordering a Viennese brew ... limbo. Freshening up in the restroom ... limbo. Listening intently and expressing interest (and I really tried) ... limbo. The only thing I remember now was the repeating lyrics to the song being played:

Happiness is free when you lose your mind. Happiness is free when you look inside.

When she and he began their conversation, right there the reason went staring at me in the face. I am without feeling; I had been trying to put to rest all the possibilities of feeling until I shall have gotten a job and can talk about something else besides the been there, done that quarterlife crisis verbiage and the quirky alone aspect of my life. This hadn't been what I was looking for, but thank god I have something to point my finger at, a new specie in my growing study on the taxonomy of human emotions.

Moving on, I attribute this lack of verbal concern to my stable sense of mind recently. I had been neither happy nor sad, apprehensive nor excited. There was nothing of the sort that would help me relate to being high on Prothiaden, no empowering purpose or chagrin to calm my nerves. I thrive on chaos and this emotional staleness had made everything unbearably ho-hum.

It's either I'm experiencing an emotional block or I'm in the process of waiting for another turbulent episode, the proverbial calm before the storm type of thing. The storm being the potential new job within reach this month. Not that I'm fearing it, no. I actually look forward for it to bring me some degree of normalcy, organization, lucidity, into my predominantly randomized existence. I need to have the schedule, the pressing urgency to wake up every morning and walk through the streets like all the other corporate yuppies aiming to get to the office on time. I need a new distraction if I'm not getting the real thing.

Just recently, I've tried to fasten my belt over jumping overboard with open arms unto an entity that seems not to exhibit the same level interest as I'm putting out. I don't want to end up sad and depressed again like last time, to not get too carried away by the euphoria of seeking connection with the cosmos and its constituents. Although I'm all-too prepared to venture out into unknown territory again, I feel I have to learn self-restraint first, to imbibe a militaristic sense of discipline in myself because all this time, I'm afraid I've become too indulgent -- on coffee, smokes, water, artificial sweeteners, fruit juices, cereal, peanut butter sandwiches, salads, milk ... anything outside a meal to soothe the pain of not eating as much anymore. I'm looking for a substitute. I'm seeking something that can KILL the need for substitutes.


I need a square meal.