The Resolution

"The things we hold on to are the things we can walk away from. Think about it."
-- Madonna on the Oprah Show



What started out as a comment in somebody else's blog, became a whole new entry for mine.

I do admit that I haven't been writing a lot the past few days and substituting pictures in exchange for a thousand words. It's not that I didn't have anything new to write about. Quite the opposite, in fact. The truth is, I had found myself focusing my attention on other things. They weren't necessarily important or groundbreaking, they were simply stuff I hadn't done in a while. Although going online and immersing myself in the interesting world of digital connectivity had given me much to be grateful for, like sanity, for instance, it had also in some ways caused me a great deal of grief and confusion. It had shown me the great many things I could achieve for myself, but had also slapped me with all the things I couldn't, at least not for the moment I had been hoping for.

During New Year's, while everyone else had probably planned out a list of resolutions, there was only one resolution I've vowed to commit to and that is to keep an open mind. Resolutions are there to guide us toward our goals but it doesn't mean they're not subject to change. Besides, it shouldn't take you a whole year to decide what to do or what to tweak, with regard to certain exceptions I have to add. The bottomline is, we have to be more flexible with the time.

And speaking of time, I've figured that the months I spent unsobering from emotional turmoil was not time wasted. All that meandering in the darkness had given me so much wisdom, so much knowledge about frailty that not all people may come to know of or learn about. In a way, I feel lucky to have gone through so much and lived out the wiser. I am stronger than what I give myself credit for, I only need to be careful with imparting what I know for those who want to know.

I've decided not be to hard on myself and my seemingly slow progress. I'm consciously trying not to compare myself to other people. I've decided to focus on what needs to be done during the moment and not dwell on analyzing and planning what to do next. It isn't a matter of patience or faith, it's a matter of adapting.

In line with this, I've learned to accept my avoidant nature. Escape is my way of dealing with the demons at first attack, but it doesn't mean I won't confront these conflicts at all. I'll deal with it my own way.

Life is a series of moments of holding on and letting go. For now, it's been about realizing which of certain issues, dreams, and people I should hold on to or let go of. Just this year, I've held on to my greatest dream only to find myself dying of it; the moment I let go, my life went into full tilt. I've accomplished one of my earliest and most difficult childhood goals only to sever ties with a close friend because of it. I've gone through many "firsts" this year and I am thankful for these experiences. It certainly feels like a rebirth.

In many ways, 2004 had been the worst year of my life, but it had also been the most revolutionary so far. I can't wait for the rest of 2005 to bring it on!

With all the tragedies and crises around us, we are taught to be content. Perhaps contentment isn't about being satisfied or happy with what you have, but simply feeling this happiness regardless.


This may very well be the path to genuine self-discovery, the rebirth of the individual.