Distracted

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Dan: You think love it simple. You think the heart is like a diagram.
Larry: You've ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist, wrapped in blood!
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from the movie Closer
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Before anything else, I apologize for having been dormant the past week. I felt my story of deaths had to linger on, not as a reflection of my state of mind, but as a way for me to analyze my subconscious thoughts by means of a short story. I do plan to write a sequel but I don’t want to force myself if I don’t get the nagging feeling for it.
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That put aside, I had a very interesting weekend. I met up with a pastry chef for dinner last Friday. We breezed through a multitude of topics over Thai cuisine. It was lively and very open, something I expected very much from a person born in early January. It’s much easier to talk to people who are open about themselves. You don’t have to dig for common interests and other shit just to feel you can relate. It’s too bad Chef may be leaving soon to pursue opportunities abroad. Good luck! May your wings bring you to other lands!
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Saturday night, I met up with another friend in Malate, a place I haven’t been to since the Meal. We met up in Café Adriático. We talked, well actually, Gray talked most of the time. I dunno what it was that made me quiet. The humidity? The 2 gentlemen staring at me from inside the café? My vulnerability?
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Gray’s life wasn’t gray at all. At 23, a couple of hours before midnight, one could already write an informal biography. We stayed out smoking, me under the refreshing ceiling fan that did my unruly hair some good. After finishing up the drinks, we transferred to BJ’s Gril, where I met some other dazers. I was a dazer myself back in highschool. Anyway, going back, Gray’s friends weren’t gray at all. If anything, their language was very colorful. There was Ricky, Winn, Bolex, Eugene, James, and this other guy, I forget his name. Past midnight when they were greeting Gray a happy birthday, I was out finishing my beer and enjoying the hiphop-then-club music in the background. It was enjoyable company, really, and I was pretty amazed at myself for being comfortable about it.

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We left around 2:30 in the morning. Gray walked me through to get a cab. The situation had been very familiar, only the reversal of roles was poignant. I was the one walked to. I received a few text messages from Gray and read and replied to them despite a minor headache from the booze. I was feeling quite vulnerable again that night yet my defenses hiked up high. Can’t help it. Perhaps the colors don’t match.
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Sunday, I met up with Chef and Wendy, a close friend. Wendy’s a cool gal. We watched Guess Who? in Greenbelt after sitting through conversation in Coffee Bean. I received a phone call from my closest closest friend. I was troubled of course, I knew very well how she felt during that time, and the way she described everything so succinctly, yet with such poetry … I nearly cried myself.

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In a way, I know how it feels to sever a relationship in perfectly amicable terms. I hate that there’s nothing to hate. I swear it can be the best revenge if you were heartless.
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The 3 of us ate dinner afterwards and bought toiletries in a pharmacy nearby. It was very comfortable. Back home, I had a little weekend panic attack again. It doesn’t quiet down, so it seems, and I found myself sending a message at 1:30 in the morning.
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The reply I got the next morning gave me the wake up call. And it’s all so clearer now, but I can’t say I’m not distracted.

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