Come Closer
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"Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words."
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................. -- Alice (Natalie Portman)
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THe last time I caught her awake, she greeted me with a smile on our doorstep. She had always been warm like that, my grandmother, sitting on the wheelchair with her nurse. I'm not one with many spoken words, at least not with family, and no one had ever been an exception. Too close for comfort, too aloof with touch, with her I'm not as guarded.
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"Kumain ka na ba? Have you eaten?," she would always ask. Even if I were hungry, I would often nod with a slight yes.
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I usually take the space behind her where she cannot see me. I would tenderly caress the skin below her jaw, kiss her on the forehead and she would always smell so fragrant and young. She would continue talking to other people while I tuck her silver hair behind her ears and gently rub her extended earlobes.
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"Tawagin niyo si Amy magpaluto kayo ng pagkain. Call Amy and have her prepare something to eat," she would exclaim. She was never one to scrimp on food, never one to scrimp on affection.
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Lately she’s been asleep a lot. When she’s awake, she doesn’t quite remember me anymore, yet she still exudes that unmistakable warmth. She’s still the same person, yet altogether different.
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Sometimes I feel the same. Sometimes I feel I’ve lost my ability to scrimp.
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ennui wrote the 1st faint line @ 4/11/2005 12:00:00 AM
5 Truths:
i think your affection has grown roots.
I don't think that's such a bad thing, I think that's actually pretty good,, you know...
my lola is charming. and i love her. and she's been forgetting names of everyone lately. and that's okay i guess. but i hate natalie portman. because she's a bad actress and because she's from long island. but i do love natalie merchant. i wish natalie merchant was my grandma. *sigh*
i never had the chance to know my grandmothers. one died years before i was born and the other when i was barely 1. but they told me that that lola loved me so much she would steal me away to her home in the province, scaring my parents. or maybe she just hated my parents. haha. but always, i would go home with a whole new wardrobe. sometimes when i want a skirt or a dress cut in a particular manner, i wished she were alive. i bet she could sew me anything.
i've been missing my lola a lot lately. your post revived my ache.
i had a long-distance conversation with her last oct.2004.
she didn't know me, but she was comforted by the fact that i was one of her "apo."
lola kept asking me whose child i was, and i had to remind her several times that she has two sons, and that i was the daughter of her youngest son. she asked how many children my dad has, and i told her four. she then chuckled and commented that four was "marami pala." i told her that i'm the second oldest. lola doesn't remember my older sister, her favorite among her mga apo.
lola asked me where i was calling from, and i told her from seattle, washington. that i moved here from california 10 years ago. when she couldn't seem to grasp where washington was, i told her that it was close to california.
she recalls spending one summer in california, but she doesn't remember who she stayed with.
she kept asking what country I was living in, and I told her that I'm living in the same country as where new york is located at. that sparked a memory in her head.
lola said that she remembers new york very well. she recalls new york university. she then described an incident that happened in the train station in new york. she said that it was a recurring memory --- i don't know if the incident really happened, or a mere dream.
she asked me if i lived near new york, and i told her that i live in the opposite side of it. then she said, "oo nga pala, nakatira ka sa may california."
she said she was comfortable in her bed, she's happy that she has a t.v., and that she was feeling weak and lonely.
i told her that she feels weak because she doesn't eat. she said that she does eat, and she's comfortable with her food. I asked her if she wanted pancit so I could order it for her. lola said, "paborito ko 'yon."
i also told her that she probably feels weak because she's tired already and it's okay to feel tired.
lola was able to understand my subtle meaning.
she said that maybe she is tired, that it is okay to go because she has had a good, long life.
i told her that it's okay to go, but she just needs to wait for us to visit her this december.
she said that she will wait for us, and then said goodbye.
we visited her last december. i sat beside her a few times, while reminding her that she didn't have to feel the need to converse with me. that i just wanted to be with her. we watched t.v. silently. i didn't care if she didn't remember me.
i could have spent more time with her, but i don't feel that i did. too much places to go --- boracay, makati, tiangge, malate . . .
lola passed away last march. i declared to my husband that i was going back home. i had to say goodbye to lola one last time.
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