Horse

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012805
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And in this way I grasp the ropes

that secure the gentle thoroughbred,

an error acted on my part

for it hadn't been running away.

My fear of loss, I fear

had spurned the need for gain.

So to this I ask curiously,

"How does one communicate

with something that isn't blind

or alters itself inconspicuously

as if it were a bad vice?

How does one tame a beast

whose heart had been hurt

yet for all those chains and turns

continues to seek its tamer?"

With this I withdraw my straddling

and I ask not without opportunity.

After all, I have yet to learn the ropes

of fair game and hurtful rules,

this race so futile and so ghastly,

its play of emotions, its charms none the luckier.

Everyone counts on their chance bets,

their shining victory that walks on losses:

A dream knight mare appearing in their faded sleep,

sweeping them off their jaded feet.

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Forewarned

. . . It has been rather weird since the full moon on the 13th of Friday and I must say the residual effects of its afterglow still linger to haunt the dazed. . I did a bad thing by overanalyzing my situation with Toper and worrying how I don't have anything concrete to call how we are or what we share, I badgered him with a few confrontational messages and wanted a reply or at least some comfort in knowing that if we choose to let go, it wouldn't hurt as much. I don't know why I had to ruin our meeting the next day but somehow, I'm kinda glad it happened -- my neurotic ways -- because I got it out of my system and I at least got an honest and concrete answer from him. It was our 7th meeting yesterday and although things are still blurry as where things are going, I've been taking advice from people to just enjoy the moment and appreciate what I have than worry about what I don't. I just find it difficult to do because I definitely enjoy the simple things, but when it comes to dealing with emotions and the need to be serious in certain situations, I need to know what I invest in won't be put to waste. That's just how I am, I can't enjoy something if I know it won't amount to anything enjoyable in the end. Weird ... All I can say is, I'm in no shape to handle any personal tragedies right now. I don't know how I'll take it and what kind of drastic changes I'll be going through in my life again. . Today I learned that my dear friends in another department had been laid off from work. What I hear is that it's because of the new management under Verizon and they're cutting down on redundancy. It's just unfair how they were only told yesterday and just like that, they were asked to pack their bags and go home at that moment. Talk about job security ... . Which got me thinking about my own job. I woke up late today and had to apply for a halfday sick leave because I wanted to save up on my sick leaves. I totally FORGOT that today's a critical work day since it's payday Friday yesterday and we're prohibited from being absent on the Sat-Sun-Mon following. So there, in the coming days I shall be getting my first Focus Alert for being absent on a critical workday, this on my employment anniversary and just 10 days shy of my 27th birthday. . The truth is, after a fun weekend, I've been brought back to reality so abruptly and the need to be more focused. While reviewing my current status on the job, I discovered that after being absent for half a day last week, I only have just half a day sick leave credit available today. Had I chose not to go to work the whole day, I would've gotten myself 2 Focus Alerts instead of just 1, and that would bring me a step closer to termination! . So there ... a fair warning for me. Try to enjoy what I have even if I perceive it to be pointless, yet be cautious that my point of view won't stray too far from the ground (or look into myself too deeply). . . .

Songs for the Sleepy Hollow

. . . 010306 . . There in the corner of my eye was the quivering silhouette of my mother. She had been staring out the window combing her hair to an incorrigible groom. She'd pluck her eyebrows like feathers to a dove till all that's left was a half-naked stare. . . I often wondered where she'd gone she used to sing me to sleep and tap my legs like burning light falling off the tip of a cigarette. She never smoked and never knew how so I learned it for her. . . It used to be just the two of us but now there's everything in between: she and her work me and my sisters her affection and old age. I couldn't decide which carried more weight, but I knew I chose to carry hers. . . I can't reconcile the silhouette from the shadow, the duties from the affection, me from my sisters. It was as if we were all strands of unruly hair all caught up in an impossible tangle. . . By now she had been looking elsewhere, outside the window with her naked stare. I see her from afar, in the corner of my eye: her tired arms, her wrinkled expression, her weighted womb. . . I had to crawl back under the sheets to tap my own legs and hope to fall back to sleep. On other nights unsucceeding, I'd steal a smoke and think of my past, the memories burning like the tip of my stick reconciling the smoke with the scent of her dyed hair. . . . . 011606 . . If I close my eyes I dare not see the slit of your eyes like a bleeding wrist. And how if I pry them open they would gush out like tears. . . I dare not feel for you and I remind myself to stay awake while I hear you call my name thin like a blade passing over my skin. . . This must be sacrilege, my ignorant singing, the consequence of an impalpable desperation tuning itself like an instrument of pain. It comes back to haunt me, your blood, flooding through the floors of my house. . . The pain ignites the dormant fires in it, it burns aned wants to be seen. Everybody wants to be a witness. Everybody wants an unobstructed view. . . If I close my eyes now I dare not see, not ever, the warmth taking shape in a grail, the saint burning on an altar of my distractions. . . .

Breakthroughs

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I don't have resolutions consciously drafted out for this year. I'm not even in the mood to write out a bullet-point presentation of all the major events that have happened to me in 2005 as a recap to the year I'll always consider the most exciting, the most memorable. It's like going through puberty once again hehehe

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I'll just have to remember that it all started with a little toast on a night at the beach with a friend, to friendship, to career, to life, to love ... slowly these things are coming together. I haven't been toasting to new dreams and aspirations for 2006. I'd much prefer to feel the alcohol swirl through my blood stream first, get that slightly drowsy feeling but get all warm and fuzzy inside before I decide to take in another drink.

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However as it is, I've come a long way and it's been a wonderful ride. Ü

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